Wow! Haven't updated my blog for almost a month! Just return from Thailand trip. It was an enjoyable one - went to Hatyai and Phi Phi island (my dream place!!). It was a great experience! Pity we didn't have enough time, all was so rushing. How I wish I could stay longer. How I wished I won't have to come back, to this place. For some reasons, I'm not happy, as usual. I just want to escape from everything, everyone. I have not moved on. WHY?!? Feel so FUCKED UP. All this shit happening to me. What a bloody great test from God.
I feel depressed, wonder if I'm suffering from depression. I'm always hiding my feelings, keeping things to myself. There's so many things running in my mind, don't know how to put in words. Perhaps it has become a habit of not confiding. I know there are many people out there who really care for me, feel for me even. But what's the point when I can't even find the drive to help myself, love myself. Life is so meaningless. I feel my whole world is crashing down. Sometimes I just to cry hard and let it all out. It feels so terrible. But no tears. So tired of living. Out of job, failed relationship, family members living their own lives. I feel so lonely, so empty. So much so that I wanted someone in my life. A substitute. Well it was unfair for him of course. Made him felt for me then realise he's not the ONE. He's trying so hard, but I can't fool my feelings. Something is still missing. Somehow I just want a companion, a great pal. Not a partner. I'm so afraid to fall in love, so afraid of commitment. All this FEAR is going to kill me one day if I don't do anything to it.
Well apparently I know I'm a selfish BITCH who played with his feelings. I tried giving it a try with him, but something just isn't right. I don't feel excited nor entusiastic when he sms me. Well it did when we just got to know each other. But when we got together, I just want to avoid him. I feel tied down, no freedom. All this is so shitty! I'm such a BITCH! It could have been a wonderful friendship, but look what I did. Now I don't even know if we still can be friends if we are not together. I've hurt him deeply I know. He's so innocent, to have to go through all this shit again. Such a wonderful guy, someone one can depend on. Kept asking me to give ourselves a chance to work things out. I tried. But whenever I see, talk to him, I feel I'm putting up an act. It's just isn't me. He would have been the perfect guy for me if it were 3 years back. I simply don't feel the excitement nor anticipation to want to talk to him! It's just someone else. Its amazing how this guy can make me feel. Too bad, he likes someone else. I'm just another good gal pal to him.
To love is a wonderful thing, but only when your love is reciprocated. To be loved is a bliss, but only when you feel the same way for him too. It takes both hands to clap. I guess I just don't have the guts to clap real hard.