MAMBO NIGHT


It's been a while since I've gone to mambo. The feeling was great! Can never get enough of it. Only thing I guess was I drank a bit too much, heard things I didn't want to hear, saw things I didn't want to see. Got drunk..perhaps cos it'll stop my head from thinking so much, and let me say what I feel like saying deep down..


Saw him in his maroon car, with a girl. That scene was so familiar..it used to be me in the place of that girl. Everything he said before was lie..LIES! Called Pinky and told her about it. She offered to send me home, but I've already had someone to send me home. Well I guess what she said was true. I've been living in DENIAL. Cos I know if I were to face it, I'll die. I'm not happy deep down, but at least I try to put on a smile. I've never been happy since god knows when! I stopped believing that true love existed. Two persons stay together cos they need each other, sort of making use of each other huh? Only that the term LOVE is used..the whole meaning is changed.


I realise I talk alot when I'm drunk. And I say what I feel, my mind wasn't controlling my emotions. Probably that's why I like the high feeling. When I'm sad, I can cry out real hard. I feel better after that. Better than when I'm sober, I keep all these pain and sorrow within me.


Please let these pain and sorrow go away. Someone prove me wrong. Cos so many people have taken away the trust which I planted time and time again. Now I've no more trust for the purest and most innocent wonder of life - LOVE.


"The Voice Within" - Christina Aguilera



-Ping'er-

Hmm..it's one of those days again. I want to blog, but the words won't come out. *argh* I don't know to feel happy or sad that this is happening to me.. God pls enlighten me. I know what I should do, but I just got to follow my heart. I know it isn't right, that it might not be a happy ending, that I might end up broken-hearted, that I might be left hanging again.. But I just want to give it a try, at least I can tell myself that I grabbed the opportunity to let things happen. I don't want to have any regrets.


I don't know if he reads my blog anymore. He always asked me what's on my mind whenever I'm quiet.. Well it feels nice when I'm with him. I enjoy chatting with him, teasing him. *heh* Not forgetting that he suans me back also.. His company is great. No expectations. But I'm just afraid that subconsciously I'll slip into the wrong side. I don't want to lose Hope and Faith again.. *argh*


"You can shine, no matter what you are made of" - Bigweld, Robots


-Ping'er-

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/

I wonder why I had no feelings when he did that last night. No sadness, no happiness, no anxiety, blah.. I couldn't explain it. Is it 'cos I'm already numbed? It does feel sick that all this shit is actually happening to me again. Well I asked for it, didn't I? No point saying "I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that".. What's done is done, and I guess it happened for a reason? Hopefully..

I'm still figuring out how to handle the situation. Learning how to say no. I guess the whole problem with me is that I can get so agreeable with things that may have triggered it off. I'm really very upset with myself - my behaviour. I hated myself even at times. I need to change. Argh, hate it when I feel this way.

Well we had a talk last night. Somehow I kinda expected what he would say. The typical things - 'I'm sorry..it shouldn't have happened..I hope it won't jeopardize our friendship..blah..' Maybe that was why I had nothing to say. At that point in time, my feeling was like I-can't-be-bothered. What has happened to me? Damn..I really wish I can be upset and blame him, blame the whole world about.. But I couldn't, I just couldn't make myself do it..

But I do ask why this is happening to me. What wrong have I done to deserve it? Feeling disappointed.. F**k, I'm writing nonsense. How to write a blog with I can't even get my feelings right.


-Ping'er-