Am I a negeative person? I often ask myself this question. I feel I am. People around me are often impressed by me. Of 'cos not for my negativity, but suprisingly it's for the opposite. Well I guess I'm putting up a strong front - staying jovial and positive. Physiology affects my emotions, and in turn affects my spirit and behaviour. Thus I always laugh things away. And I feel better, but that does not mean I'm not thinking about them.

Lately, many unhappy things happened. Work and my life. My burden got heavier. I realise I'm not as strong nor positive as I used to. I wonder what has happened. I guess I've to be on my own to be positive again, 'cos I've to depend on myself, and I've no one to fall back on. Thus I made myself very very strong spiritually. So does this mean I've to be on my own to feel positive and optimistic? I wonder.

In front of him, I'm always pulling a long face, always throwing tantrums, always saying things so negative. End up making us both upset and hurt. Where have all the teachings and auto-suggestion gone to? I wonder.

I always blame myself. Always so childish, so immature. Hate that side of me totally. Apart from him, the people who see this side of me are my parents. Perhaps when I'm with him, I put my guard down..and show my true self. Would that be true? I wonder.

I blame myself. Always blaming myself. For creating so much trouble. Should I end it all? For his sake mainly, it's totally unfair for him. Perhaps if I do so, he might be happier, and I might so back to my old self again..

I know I've always have a problem expressing myself. Still is. I feel it's really not right to complain and lament. In my mind there's always a battle going on - my positive and negative side. I want to say it out, but I don't know how to put it into words. The feeling is horrible. So I end up keeping it to myself, making myself irrational, irritable. And I'll mess up my life saying and doing stupid things. And REGRET. Argh.

A great test from GOD. Will I ever pass it? I've been trying and trying for so long.. What will ever make me learnt? The hard way? How hard then? Someone tell me please. I'm always self-destructing myself.

My FEAR. My UNCERTAINTY. My LOW SELF-ESTEEM. My LACK of CONFIDENCE. I'm killed by them. I'm dead.

Revive me.


-Ping'er-

I know what I'm doing isn't right. Well I almost wanted to give it up once and for all. I'm tired. Really tired. Having to condition myself consistently, control my emotions and tantrums, be strong, etc. It's slowly wearing me out.. Had a great chat with Subing last night at Serena's birthday bash last night. Updated her alot of what's going on in my life. Well..her comment was the same as my siblings. He's selfish.. He's having the best of both worlds. But after hearing his situation between him and W, she kind of empathized with him. Sometimes Fate likes to play with us. Letting us go through all this sh*t.. I might not even know if there'll be a pleasant ending between me and him. I'm at the losing end.. What if they really get married? What if W holds on to him? I know he'll not make the first move to break up. He never will. What should I do then?

Last night I was very troubled. He knows how I feel about him. I'm a normal woman after all. I can go through thick and thin with him. It's not as if I've never gone through this before. I can always say I'm alright, I'm ok. But honestly I really want a status. Am I his girlfriend? But even if I am, so what? Look at W. She has the status, but only the status. Well..I guess both love and status have to come together ya? Outside, we can never admit we are an item. At least for W, it's only 100m radius from Cuppage Plaza. For me? Everywhere is dangerous, is forbidden. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But do I have a choice? I may sound complicated, always thinking of problems. But if I don't, I may end up how I was in the last relationship - I crashed. Totally lost hope of life. Joe once told me he won't leave me, 'cos he knows I won't be able to take the blow. 'Cos I told him, when William left me, I slipped into depression. Only a few months being together. Well, look what he did eventually. He still left me. I can say I've learnt the hard way, or so what Subing said. I'm no longer as innocent, as ignorant. Hope and faith is barely hanging on only..

So now, I think, I self-reflect, I self-condition. I've learnt that my reactions can affect others too. I've learnt to control my emotions so much better. I've also learnt to give others the benifit of the doubt. But never betray my trust, for you can never expect me to trust you as much anymore. I need to protect myself. I've learnt to be independent and have more friends, 'cos I know I'll be on my own anytime. You can say I've lost faith. But I don't want to crash again. It almost killed me. All I can say is, actions speak louder than words. No point telling me so much sweet nothings, when you are doing another.

To give up or not? I don't know. I'm in a great dilemma. I know I should cherish. But I'm really very tired. I almost gave it up last night. Never want to be in contact with him again. To disappear from him life. I wonder if that would even have an impact on him? I don't know. I was feeling way low low last night. But his one apology melted my heart away. Maybe I'm soft-hearted..but I just went soft when he said he was sorry. Am I weak and useless? I don't know.. He's too precious to me, and I'm so afraid of losing him. Perhaps that's why I throw tantrums and get upset so easily. He means alot to me. I'm putting in alot of effort and love into this relationship, 'cos I don't want history to repeat itself. I want to make sure I do my part and I don't make the same mistakes again. I want to make sure it works out right. But many times I question myself - is it all worth it, knowing that it may not get me anywhere? Well, I guess it's something I'm trying to learnt. So painful sometimes, when I think realistically. Please help me.. Please be fair to me.. Please show me light and give me hope..

-ping'er-