Felt bad.. I upset him again. I don't know why, whenever he mentions W I'll get all so cranky and crazy. Can't think rationally, end up doing stupid things. I made him tear, so badly. Ju says I should feel happy, 'cos he's spending much much more time with than with W. I'm on the better side, I should cherish what I have now.
Well, I guess I'm selfish eh? Love is unconditional I know, but it can get one act very selfishly also. I can share alot of things with others, but not my man. Never. If really I have to, I'll choose to back out. I don't wish things to turn ugly. So it's better to do it this way. Anyway, either one he chooses, the other party will be hurt. I would rather the one hurt be me than W. What am I compared to her? She's the one who went through so much sh*t with him, helped him out at his worst moments. I doubt I can be as brave as her. No matter what, to outsiders, I'll always be labelled the 3rd party who came in between them. They'll never accept our explanation.
He said someone told him not to go into this relationship too deep. I wondered who it might be.. Candy? I don't know. Well I don't know if it's already too late to undo things. Things just fall into place on its own, and we couldn't help it. It just happened! I know it's isn't right, isn't ethical to do what I'm doing now. But I simply couldn't control my emotions! Maybe I followed my heart too much? I don't know..
I don't know whether or not to go on, 'cos I don't dare to see the future - there might not even be one . Yes I know I shouldn't think so much and so far. I should instead cherish and enjoy this very moment. But sometimes I really lost faith, and want to back out. Just go back to my old life. Things might just turn out better. He and W still happily together like before. And me, I shall lead my singlehood, busy with work. Miserable, yes, but if it's a better outcome, I don't mind. It's just my luck. I wouldn't want W to be miserable. I know how it feels. It's BITTER. I know she does love him. If not she wouldn't want to meet him so badly that she waited for him at his place for his return. Perhaps this is a test for me from God. To be the nasty lady and break them up? Tell her that we are seeing each other? Well, my devil side did tell me to do that. But I couldn't. It's not righteous to do so. 'Cos I KNOW HOW IT FEELS!! Wouldn't want anyone to go through what I've gone through. No one deserves to be treated this way.
Deep in my heart I very much yearn for my man to be solely mine.. But I know this will never happen. Never. It pains me. *Argh* Why do I always end up talking about such things? Everytime my blog is about these stuff! Well afterall this is my inner world, where I express my thoughts and feelings. I've a problem expressing, no matter to who. Just feel it isn't right to feel down. I'm tired of life, really. It's like a marathon, an eternal one, till the day I die. Have to keep going no matter what. Sh*ts happens. Have I really changed alot? For the good or bad? I don't know. Kept saying I've changed. I can't be the little girl forever. I want my own life. I want to write my book of life! I don't want to be the boring girl whom no one likes to hang out with, whom people can bully and take advantage of. I've lost faith I feel. For certain things, do I really want it to happen that way? Candy once said, 'Never wish for what you don't want to happen. You'll regret it.' Honestly, what I wish isn't what I want to happen. I don't want to back out! I don't want to suffer! I don't want to give my man away just like that! I want fight for what I want! It's tiring, really. But no pain no gain, right? Don't know what the outcome may be, we shall see how it goes. Uncertain? Of 'cos it is, terrifying sometimes. But I'm prepared for the worst. Don't worry about me. I may be cranky and upset, but I'll be ok after some self-conditioning and auto-suggestion. I've been through sh*ts. I can take it. If not, I shall learn.
"To do what you love is FREEDOM. To love what you do is HAPPINESS"
-ping'er-
Monday, August 23, 2004
Sunday, August 22, 2004
Date of this blog: 15 August 2004 (Sunday)
Note: I'm suppose to post this up last week, but was too busy to do so. So here it is..
Sick again.. *argh* Hate it when this happens. And it's always when the events near. Am I pushing myself too hard to get things done? I guess I just got the habit of getting things done in a shot while I've got the momentum. Well I guess I wouldn't be unwell if not for some irresponsible and uncommitted colleague! Am so mad! I offered to help, ended up I did all the work and he went off early! $#%^$#!!!!! I could have had other most important things done! Could have help Tania do seat plotting and could have done more important matters. Just one *#%$&^ guy and all our things got messed up. True enough, it's girl power in SR! Will get a lashing from me on Monday! *haha* Guys don't have the say most of the time, do they? They always get slapped verbally in the face straight. Take Fong for instance, always get bullied and teased by us.. *haha* But he's a nice guys, my Fong kor kor.. Still remember he bought me a cake and celebrated together with my colleague for my birthday. *touched*In SR (or should I say everywhere?), I feel human relations are very important. We've got to use different approach towards different people, in order to get what we want. Unscrupulous? Maybe..but isn't how this world works? Some are tools, some are friends. Never put in too much feelings, never expect too much. 'Cos eventually, the one hurt will be myself. So I'll just do my part to the best I can.
-ping'er-
Note: I'm suppose to post this up last week, but was too busy to do so. So here it is..
Sick again.. *argh* Hate it when this happens. And it's always when the events near. Am I pushing myself too hard to get things done? I guess I just got the habit of getting things done in a shot while I've got the momentum. Well I guess I wouldn't be unwell if not for some irresponsible and uncommitted colleague! Am so mad! I offered to help, ended up I did all the work and he went off early! $#%^$#!!!!! I could have had other most important things done! Could have help Tania do seat plotting and could have done more important matters. Just one *#%$&^ guy and all our things got messed up. True enough, it's girl power in SR! Will get a lashing from me on Monday! *haha* Guys don't have the say most of the time, do they? They always get slapped verbally in the face straight. Take Fong for instance, always get bullied and teased by us.. *haha* But he's a nice guys, my Fong kor kor.. Still remember he bought me a cake and celebrated together with my colleague for my birthday. *touched*In SR (or should I say everywhere?), I feel human relations are very important. We've got to use different approach towards different people, in order to get what we want. Unscrupulous? Maybe..but isn't how this world works? Some are tools, some are friends. Never put in too much feelings, never expect too much. 'Cos eventually, the one hurt will be myself. So I'll just do my part to the best I can.
-ping'er-
Monday, August 09, 2004
Happy birthday my homeland! Time flies, yet many things can happen within a short while. The progression between me and him have accelerated so fast, that I feel it's rather ridiculous. We barely have known each other for a month! I guess chemistry does play a major part. We feel comfortable with each other's accompany, so much so that we couldn't bear to leave for home. The feeling isn't like an infatuation, nor a fling. The feeling is cosy, loving and wonderful.. *dreamy*
Went out with Candy, Ju, Don and him. Somehow we are always shy when others are around. Perhaps it's 'cos our relationship is unofficial, and that he already has an official one, so we need to keep everything low. Ju knows, and has been teasing us always. For Don, I know he's suspecting, but he's giving us the benefit of the doubt. Well Candy told him not to bother, afterall it's our personal matter. But I guess sooner or later, people will know about us. Many times I felt upset, for it's really hard on him - torn between his day job, AM, W and me. So lack of rest every night - 2-3hrs! I'm so worried about him, he's no superman, for God's sake! And his frequent headaches, he's having them way too frequently! *argh* Wish I could do something to help. Candy told me last night what I could do is to return to AM and help him with his activities. But I can't, and wouldn't want to return. Not letting history repeat itself. Well heard also that he has a cousin who is interested in joining AM, but he didn't allow. He's afraid all the teasing between me and him may reach his cousin's ears, and eventually W's. *Sigh* Pains me, 'cos all he's doing, he thinks for me. And it's really putting him in a very, very difficult fix. I just want to tell him that, never let things between us jeopardize his progression in AM. Work must always take priority! I want my man to be career-minded, and not let anything make him lose his focus! *Argh* I want to help him! Tell me how, please! He's so willing to sacrifice for me, I'm very grateful and touched. I'm at a loss of words to express how I feel now.
I keep conditioning myself, not letting the selfish side of me get the better of me. Love is unconditional, I don't want to be the one whose always taking, 'cos that's how I'm feeling. I feel he's giving so much more than me, and asking none in return.. I can sense his sincerity, and love for me. I just want to tell him how appreciated I am, though I know no matter how many times I say, it won't be enough to express my entire feeling. Thank you, my dear..
-ping'er-
Went out with Candy, Ju, Don and him. Somehow we are always shy when others are around. Perhaps it's 'cos our relationship is unofficial, and that he already has an official one, so we need to keep everything low. Ju knows, and has been teasing us always. For Don, I know he's suspecting, but he's giving us the benefit of the doubt. Well Candy told him not to bother, afterall it's our personal matter. But I guess sooner or later, people will know about us. Many times I felt upset, for it's really hard on him - torn between his day job, AM, W and me. So lack of rest every night - 2-3hrs! I'm so worried about him, he's no superman, for God's sake! And his frequent headaches, he's having them way too frequently! *argh* Wish I could do something to help. Candy told me last night what I could do is to return to AM and help him with his activities. But I can't, and wouldn't want to return. Not letting history repeat itself. Well heard also that he has a cousin who is interested in joining AM, but he didn't allow. He's afraid all the teasing between me and him may reach his cousin's ears, and eventually W's. *Sigh* Pains me, 'cos all he's doing, he thinks for me. And it's really putting him in a very, very difficult fix. I just want to tell him that, never let things between us jeopardize his progression in AM. Work must always take priority! I want my man to be career-minded, and not let anything make him lose his focus! *Argh* I want to help him! Tell me how, please! He's so willing to sacrifice for me, I'm very grateful and touched. I'm at a loss of words to express how I feel now.
I keep conditioning myself, not letting the selfish side of me get the better of me. Love is unconditional, I don't want to be the one whose always taking, 'cos that's how I'm feeling. I feel he's giving so much more than me, and asking none in return.. I can sense his sincerity, and love for me. I just want to tell him how appreciated I am, though I know no matter how many times I say, it won't be enough to express my entire feeling. Thank you, my dear..
-ping'er-
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
All's been rather well in my life. But sadly, Calicia and Grace are leaving. My great friends at work, now I've only myself to fend for, no more protection from them against Bird and Bug. *haha* I've to grow up now and have the sense of urgency, can't be Snail Chua anymore. That's life in the coporate world I guess. Will learn to adapt!
God's been kind to me, I guess. After all the craps I was made to go through, finally something blissful! Got to know him, somehow we are drawn together on our own. Don't know if I'm doing the right thing. To follow my heart, or to follow my mind? It's been quite a while since I felt this way. Ever since the major matter, I lost faith in starting a new relationship. I even have thoughts that I'll be left on the shelves, or even become a lesbian.. *haha* Honestly deep down, I fear. Bug once said having FAITH doesn't mean we have no fear. We still have fear, but we are willing to face the fear. Right now I can't hope for more, must learn to cherish what I have. I know we may not be together after all. But I'm grateful, 'cos he taught me how to love again, how not to fear and to have faith again. Perhaps he's the one for me, I don't know. Nothing's perfect, nice guys don't come by often. And many times, they are taken. Well, he's a nice guy, and he's taken. My point proven. My heart sours whenever I think about the two of us. But I keep telling myself I can't be so selfish, must think for him. He's in a fix too, plus he's got his work to worry about. I can't add burden on him. Instead I should share his load. The best I can do is to make him feel happy, like the way he makes me feel.
He sent me a song today - She Believes (In Me) - by Ronan Keating. I was touched somehow. It seems to me he's the one singing the song, to his girl. It doesn't matter if his girl is W or me. But many times the selfish side of me emerges, asking if all he's doing is fair to me. 'Cos eventually I may not be the one for him. It pains me. Perhaps things are meant to be, that he brought me out of my cave to see the light, and taught me the beauty of life, of love. I'm learning to appreciate things and people in my life better. It feels great to love.
No matter what things may turn out to me, I'll want to stay by his side, to share his pain and joy, like how he stays by my side and withstand all my nonsense. Felt bad many times when Candy told me how hurt he was due to my childish and inconsiderate acts. No matter what it may be, I have faith and I believe in him. I've fallen for him...
-ping'er-
God's been kind to me, I guess. After all the craps I was made to go through, finally something blissful! Got to know him, somehow we are drawn together on our own. Don't know if I'm doing the right thing. To follow my heart, or to follow my mind? It's been quite a while since I felt this way. Ever since the major matter, I lost faith in starting a new relationship. I even have thoughts that I'll be left on the shelves, or even become a lesbian.. *haha* Honestly deep down, I fear. Bug once said having FAITH doesn't mean we have no fear. We still have fear, but we are willing to face the fear. Right now I can't hope for more, must learn to cherish what I have. I know we may not be together after all. But I'm grateful, 'cos he taught me how to love again, how not to fear and to have faith again. Perhaps he's the one for me, I don't know. Nothing's perfect, nice guys don't come by often. And many times, they are taken. Well, he's a nice guy, and he's taken. My point proven. My heart sours whenever I think about the two of us. But I keep telling myself I can't be so selfish, must think for him. He's in a fix too, plus he's got his work to worry about. I can't add burden on him. Instead I should share his load. The best I can do is to make him feel happy, like the way he makes me feel.
He sent me a song today - She Believes (In Me) - by Ronan Keating. I was touched somehow. It seems to me he's the one singing the song, to his girl. It doesn't matter if his girl is W or me. But many times the selfish side of me emerges, asking if all he's doing is fair to me. 'Cos eventually I may not be the one for him. It pains me. Perhaps things are meant to be, that he brought me out of my cave to see the light, and taught me the beauty of life, of love. I'm learning to appreciate things and people in my life better. It feels great to love.
No matter what things may turn out to me, I'll want to stay by his side, to share his pain and joy, like how he stays by my side and withstand all my nonsense. Felt bad many times when Candy told me how hurt he was due to my childish and inconsiderate acts. No matter what it may be, I have faith and I believe in him. I've fallen for him...
-ping'er-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
