My sister is now reading this book titled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. She says it's about Christianity and 'how dating is dragging us away from the word of God.' This book sort of tells how dating takes away our love for God. But I've been pondering for the past 2 days about this. Well I believe there is only one universal God, regardless of religion. He just appear in different form, but we all are still worshipping the only One. Hence this kinda explains why I'm a freethinker. I thought, since so many in the world love Him, he has alot of admiration and love. Thus, I shall give my love to someone who is not as popular as Him. Who knows, my love can heal or change that someone's soul. It may sound selfish and individualistic, but hey, this is part of reality. I can't say I'm Mother Teresa, but I'd love to play my little part.

Anyway I am not one who's really into religious thingy, but she let me read a paragraph of the book, and it greatly astounded me. A truely thought-provoking piece for me to ponder for quite awhile. Here's how it goes..

It was finally here-Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.

Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.

But as the minister began to lead Anna and David Through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes."Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"I'm...I'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped
"They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but I've given part of my heart to each of them."
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, it is," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours."

I'm not one who reads alot, but I do think about what little bit that I've read. This piece made me think about going dating again. I mean, when we fall in love with someone, we always say we love her/him with all our heart. But how much have we got left, after we leave bit by bit behind in our past relationship(s)? Well for those who fell in love for the first time, and marry their only lover, lucky them, 'cos they indeed gave their ALL, with no second thought.

But what about those like us, who have had past relationships? At the back of our minds, we will sure have memories, happy and sad ones. Those memories have taken part of our heart away. So I wonder, will the next relationship make my heart(love) grow, and let it have the most, even all of what I have? Will it be fair for my partner?

Recently I met someone, who also gave away his heart, a very much big part. So much so that it scarred him deeply before. But he has since healed. I think, that's what he said. I know my case is peanuts compared to his, if you were to hear it from him. I wouldn't want to talk much about his life here, 'cos I'm not sure if he's comfortable with it. Privacy ya..

We are getting along well, it feels great having him around, even if it was just for a chat or a cup of coffee. Somehow he seems earnest and very himself. But I don't want to jump into any pit yet, 'cos I don't want to lose a bit of my heart. I guess he feels the same way too. It gets tiring and painful when things don't turn out right. So see how it goes bah.


-Ping'er-

Year 2005 will soon be over in a few days, and brand new 2006 will arrive. Looking back at what had happened this year, I had many thoughts running through my mind. Many ups and downs, all happened for a reason, all had helped me to make me who I am now. I learnt to be more self-disciplined, learnt to walk and work on my own - to be independent. It felt good, yet lonely. I guess the higher you climb up the ladder, the more demanding you are on yourself, till sometimes you are never happy with yourself, never satisfied. But definitely, I'm not the power-hungry sort. I just feel I can still achieve more, I only lack the extra desire, the hunger to want to strive for more. I think I'm falling into the comfort zone again..

AT WORK
This year has been a great leap for me this year. I learnt to work my one-man show for all events. Tania, my mentor left the management in Jan, leaving me to fend for myself. Of 'cos, she taught and trained me well enough to survive, knowing the fact the most of the operations staff are newbies. I'm truely grateful to her, for I think I'll surely drown. And my boss has high hope of me, asking me if I want to take over some Logistics for certain events. I would really love to, but the thing is, the person doing Log now, is someone who likes to do things on his own, and does not really know how to lead. I'm really curious about how his brain works, 'cos certain things he does, don't make sense at all! Always end up getting yakked by my boss. I admire him for his "thick-skin" and "never say die" mentality. I think I'll probably leave if I were him. Scolding and screaming is a daily routine for him at work.. Poor chap. Anyway, I really hope Tania can return to the management and train me in Log, since she is still hanging around at home not working.. My boss says she will train me up herself, but somehow a boss's perspective will always be different from an employee's. And bosses can be fickle-minded sometimes, so working under her will be quite tough I guess. But I would really love to learn something more, 'cos what I'm doing now is getting a little routined, and boring. Only event preparations can excite me now..

OUT OF WORK
I came to understand Man and Life more. That we have only ourselves to answer to our actions. I've tasted what it is like to have a fling, and to be one as well. It made me grew wiser, that we have only ourselves to trust and depend on eventually. Selfish thought, maybe. But this is what many are practising in order to survive in this callous world. No doubt I don't deny that I've also met many kind souls who were also hit hard but the brutal reality of Life. They share their stories with me, and I told them mine. We don't sympathize or pity one another, 'cos that is the last we want from anyone. Instead we empathize, and encourage one another. It takes two to clap. I appreciate all who walked into my life and gave me precious and priceless lessons, that we can never learn in school. I understood that friendship has no boundaries, and no age gap. Come to think of it, most of the friends I have now are much older than me. That made me wonder, am I really THAT old in mentality? LOL. Somehow, those friends around my age whom I'm still in contact with are my old buddies, who have the same frequency as me.. Other than these friends, I find it pretty hard to click. Not that I look down on them, but I want to learn things out of what I know. I know how a 22 year-old thinks, 'cos I am one myself, so why ask those my age the questions when I already have the answers myself? Instead I like to ask those much older than me, somehow, to me they have seen more and tend to be wiser. Also, I ask those younger than me - my sister - for their view too. They are simple in thinking, not polluted by the reality yet, and they can tell you what they feel, not considering nor worrying too much. Hence the decisions and opinions they - young and old - give are much more different and they really impress me. Can be thought-provoking at times, and it can leave me to ponder for a couple of days. A change in thinking is good I guess, it allows to learn and accept and think out of the box. I must admit although I'm open-minded to others' thinking and perspective of Life, I'm a rather conservative person deep down. I'm afterall a Taurus ma, stubborn to changes. But that does not mean I'm an antique okay. LOL.

RELATIONSHIP
I've been so busy with work - with an average of one project a month - I hardly have time to mingle with old friends, so forget about getting to know new people. First half of the year was really nothing much, 'cos I found comfort with someone, someone whom I should not have feelings for in the first place. But I'm glad in a way, 'cos he was really a good company, he made me learn, that I need to make my own decision when problems arise. Now we are still good friends, and we keep in contact every now and then.
Then came someone whom I least expected, an old friend whom I haven't contacted for some years. It was a great experience for me. And of 'cos, I learnt that I have to be answer for my actions and problems cannot drag, for it can be unhealthy for the relationship, whether between friends, family or lovers. I would like to thank him, for crossing path with mine, even if it is only for a few months. It made me realise exactly what I want out of myself, and not what out of Life.

I've also got to know a couple of friends from online. It turn out to be quite different from what I think it should be. I've always thought that all - guys especially - who go online and search for new friends are out for either flings or s*x. Not that I'm pessimistic, but the reports in the papers really prove enough. However, I think I should not "toss everyone out of the boat with one pole" now. There really are people who are out there to find a friendship, to find someone they can click and chat with. They are really nice people, online. And somehow we can talk more openly, without having to worry about how they think about you, 'cos I believe they will speak their mind out too, like how I will. I hope. The only danger is, you wouldn't know if they are really telling the truth, 'cos you have no idea who and how the person is like at the other side. I met up with a couple of them, and am glad that I'm lucky enough to meet nice people. I've met really horrible one when I was younger, who were out to take advantage of you, but of 'cos not as horrible as what was reported int the paper. Still, I feel the Internet is a good souce to know more people, but we have to more cautious, 'cos there may be wolves out there under sheep's skins. Otherwise, I'm pretty okay with the concept. Also, we tend to have surprises, things that happen out of what we expect. And surprises may not have be unpleasant..


-Ping'er-

HANA

by Orange Range

Hanabira no youni chiriyuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta KISEKI
Aishiatte KENKA shita
Ironna kabe futari de norikoete
Umare kawatte mo anata no soba de hana ni narou

Itsumade mo aru no darou ka
ORE no maue ni aru taiyou wa
Itsumade mo mamori kireru darou ka
naki warai okoru kimi no hyoujou wo
Izure subete nakunaru no naraba
futari no deai ni motto kansha shiyou
Ano hi ano toki ano basho no KISEKI wa
Mata atarashii kiseki wo umu darou

Aisuru koto de tsuyoku naru koto
shinjiru koto de norikireru koto
Kimi ga nokoshita MONO wa ima mo mune ni hora kagayaki ushinawazu ni
Shiawase ni omou meguri aeta koto
ORE no egao torimodoseta koto
"Arigatou" afureru kimochi idaki susumu michinori

*Hanabira no youni chiriyuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta KISEKI
Aishiatte KENKA shite
Ironna kabe futari de norikoete
Umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

**Hanabira no youni chitte yuku koto
Kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
Kimi ga boku ni nokoshita MONO
"Ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
Dakara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

Hana wa nande kareru no darou
Tori wa nande toberu no darou
Kaze wa nande fuku no darou
Tsuki wa nande akariterasu no

Naze BOKU wa KOKO ni iru n darou
Naze KIMI wa KOKO ni iru n darou
Naze KIMI deaeta n darou
KIMI ni deaeta koto sore wa unmei

*Hanabira no youni chiriyuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta KISEKI
Aishiatte KENKA shite
Ironna kabe futari de norikoete
Umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

**Hanabira no youni chitte yuku koto
Kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
Kimi ga boku ni nokoshita MONO
"Ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
Dakara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

Ame agari niji kakari ao arashi ni umareshi hikari
Koko ni yuruginai taisetsuna mono
Kidzuiteru "aisuru" to iu koto
Mada arukeru darou? mieteru n da mou
"Omoi" toki wo koe toowa ni hibike
Kimi no yorokobi kimi no itami kimi no subete yo
Saa saki hokore motto motto motto

[English Translation]

With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll come back as a flower by your side.

will the sun right above me always be there?
will I always be able to keep safe,
the laughing, crying, angry faces you make?
if it's all going to end someday anyway,
we should be even more grateful
that we could find each other
the miracle of that day, that time and that place
will give birth to a new track.

growing stronger through love,
overcoming through faith
what you left me with, is still here in my heart see, it hasn't lost its shine
I think of things happily, that we could find each other
that I could regain my smile
with these overwhelming feelings of "gratitude",
I push forward on my journey

*With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll want to see you

**I'll scatter like flower petals
I'll accept all this world throws at me
you left me with a real treasure called "the here and now"
so I'll live the best I can, and be a flower

why do flowers wilt?
why can birds fly?
why does the wind blow?
why does the moon shine?

why am I here?
why are you here?
why could I find you?
it was fate, that I meet you.

the rain lets up, a rainbow forms across the sky,
the light is born by the strong spring wind,
I become aware of something precious, and unyielding called "loving"
Can I still keep on? I can see it now,
my feeling will last the ages and ring out for all time
your joy, your pain, your everything
go on, bloom in full, bigger, bigger, and bigger.

Hey hey.. been quite a while since I logged in yea. Many apologies. I don't know why, but I couldn't find the urge to blog even though there's so much in my mind - getting lazy? Hmm..I guess so. How's the music? Nice? It's the theme song, of a jap film Be With You, by Orange Range. The film was great. Jap films always know how to bring one's emotions out. Crying Out Love From The Centre Of The World made me cry buckets also. Lol.

Oh well enough of the boohoo. Last weekend was a hell packed one. Don't know why, all the appointments fall on those dates. If only they can spread it out through the month, then I wouldn't have to sit at home the whole watching vcds. LOL. But I quite like it though, 'cos it's the crowd that mattered most, regardless of my tiredness. Last Saturday I had my JC class outing. As usual the same old few kena suan, this time it was worse than before, 'cos we don't give face anymore, even more sarcastic! Lol. It was whole load of laughter at the gathering, even though it was only chatting. I was glad most of us made it. I was glad I made it. Love you all guys..you were wonderful, that I couldn't bear to leave for the annual ZoukOut..

ZoukOut at Sentosa for the very first time (with my long lost brother Daniel)* was experiencing. Although it wasn't as happening as I expected it to be - probably due to the long queue for drinks. Got money also have to wait - 20 hot sweaty minutes! LOL. But over all it was still fantastic, especially the Mambo Jambo - my all time fav! I simply couldn't get enough of it! And boy did time fly while we were partying, 4am felt as though it was only 2am! I wasn't even feeling abit of fatique! Then the wind began to blow strong, and Dan told me it was going to rain so we better head home. I reluctantly agree. And thank God I agreed! It started to pour as soon as we reached the shuttle bus stop. Thanks to Dan's frequent visits to the beach - the knew the winds were bringing rain. Well we went for breakfast at yishun central and we chatted till about 6am. Felt rather bad though, cos Dan had to work at 10am and he lives in the west! Eventually he didn't sleep and headed straight to work. Argh. Feel so guilty..'cos that day(Sunday) we had council outing. He was a Stoner when he came! Oh man..he was so quiet and I heard he wasn't on form during the pool and LAN game sessions. The worse thing is, he kept saying it was alrite, as long as we had fun! You bet that made me even more guilty.. Dan you sure are good at this sia! =P

Anyway at the council gathering we went to the Mind Cafe. It was fun although I was late and only played one game. And as usual, it was SB, Ser and me having gal chat after dinner, when the others went for pool game. CP didn't join us, I guess she still can't open up to us. Still telling us what's nice to order at the cafe she's working at, what coffee is good. She never told us about her problems, her sad moments. I really wonder why. It's not as if we are callous creatures who don't give a damn. We do care, and we want to help her very badly, only if she allows us to. Sigh.. After so many years, we have all grown up. Except her.. How to help her grow up? How to tell her that we will always be a phone call or message away whenever she needs us? Man..I know I always seem like a fierce horrible person who always say I don't give a damn about her. But deep down I do.. 'Cos I know how it felt to be all alone, with no one to talk to.. But I took the courage to allow my friends to comfort me. I was glad I took that step. It made me a better person and really appreciate them. Really really. Thank you my dear friends. Thank you SB, who has been since day 1 of my most down times. Thank you Ser, for dropping me that simply yet precious email. Thank you Candy, for pulling me up from the pit and teaching me to love life once again. Thank you Adrian, for making me feel so appreciated and optimistic. Well if I were to go on, I think you all will start foaming from your mouth - all died of boredom. Lol. Anyway, just want to say a big big big THANK YOU to all those who touched my soul.. and of cos not forgetting my dearest family - especially my cute little sister! Love you all!

P/S: Hope my cousin will send me the HK photos soon! I'm so excited to share them with all of you!

*The reason Daniel is my long lost brother is... *dddrrrrrr... drums rolling...* we share the same birthday! Lol. He is the first and still is the only one whom I found and befriended with to have the same birthday. I really feel it was fate that brought us together. It is really rare, and I will definitely treasure this friendship..

PSS: Thanks Dan, I'm glad we met. Really really.


-Ping'er-