My sister is now reading this book titled "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. She says it's about Christianity and 'how dating is dragging us away from the word of God.' This book sort of tells how dating takes away our love for God. But I've been pondering for the past 2 days about this. Well I believe there is only one universal God, regardless of religion. He just appear in different form, but we all are still worshipping the only One. Hence this kinda explains why I'm a freethinker. I thought, since so many in the world love Him, he has alot of admiration and love. Thus, I shall give my love to someone who is not as popular as Him. Who knows, my love can heal or change that someone's soul. It may sound selfish and individualistic, but hey, this is part of reality. I can't say I'm Mother Teresa, but I'd love to play my little part.

Anyway I am not one who's really into religious thingy, but she let me read a paragraph of the book, and it greatly astounded me. A truely thought-provoking piece for me to ponder for quite awhile. Here's how it goes..

It was finally here-Anna's wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small, picturesque church was crowded with friends and family.

Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows, and the gentle music of a string quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned toward the altar.

But as the minister began to lead Anna and David Through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David's other hand. Another girl approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he repeated his vows to Anna.

Anna felt her lip begin to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes."Is this some kind of joke?" she whispered to David.
"I'm...I'm sorry, Anna," he said, staring at the floor.
"Who are these girls, David? What is going on?" she gasped
"They're girls from my past," he answered sadly. "Anna, they don't mean anything to me now...but I've given part of my heart to each of them."
"I thought your heart was mine," she said.
"It is, it is," he pleaded. "Everything that's left is yours."

I'm not one who reads alot, but I do think about what little bit that I've read. This piece made me think about going dating again. I mean, when we fall in love with someone, we always say we love her/him with all our heart. But how much have we got left, after we leave bit by bit behind in our past relationship(s)? Well for those who fell in love for the first time, and marry their only lover, lucky them, 'cos they indeed gave their ALL, with no second thought.

But what about those like us, who have had past relationships? At the back of our minds, we will sure have memories, happy and sad ones. Those memories have taken part of our heart away. So I wonder, will the next relationship make my heart(love) grow, and let it have the most, even all of what I have? Will it be fair for my partner?

Recently I met someone, who also gave away his heart, a very much big part. So much so that it scarred him deeply before. But he has since healed. I think, that's what he said. I know my case is peanuts compared to his, if you were to hear it from him. I wouldn't want to talk much about his life here, 'cos I'm not sure if he's comfortable with it. Privacy ya..

We are getting along well, it feels great having him around, even if it was just for a chat or a cup of coffee. Somehow he seems earnest and very himself. But I don't want to jump into any pit yet, 'cos I don't want to lose a bit of my heart. I guess he feels the same way too. It gets tiring and painful when things don't turn out right. So see how it goes bah.


-Ping'er-

Year 2005 will soon be over in a few days, and brand new 2006 will arrive. Looking back at what had happened this year, I had many thoughts running through my mind. Many ups and downs, all happened for a reason, all had helped me to make me who I am now. I learnt to be more self-disciplined, learnt to walk and work on my own - to be independent. It felt good, yet lonely. I guess the higher you climb up the ladder, the more demanding you are on yourself, till sometimes you are never happy with yourself, never satisfied. But definitely, I'm not the power-hungry sort. I just feel I can still achieve more, I only lack the extra desire, the hunger to want to strive for more. I think I'm falling into the comfort zone again..

AT WORK
This year has been a great leap for me this year. I learnt to work my one-man show for all events. Tania, my mentor left the management in Jan, leaving me to fend for myself. Of 'cos, she taught and trained me well enough to survive, knowing the fact the most of the operations staff are newbies. I'm truely grateful to her, for I think I'll surely drown. And my boss has high hope of me, asking me if I want to take over some Logistics for certain events. I would really love to, but the thing is, the person doing Log now, is someone who likes to do things on his own, and does not really know how to lead. I'm really curious about how his brain works, 'cos certain things he does, don't make sense at all! Always end up getting yakked by my boss. I admire him for his "thick-skin" and "never say die" mentality. I think I'll probably leave if I were him. Scolding and screaming is a daily routine for him at work.. Poor chap. Anyway, I really hope Tania can return to the management and train me in Log, since she is still hanging around at home not working.. My boss says she will train me up herself, but somehow a boss's perspective will always be different from an employee's. And bosses can be fickle-minded sometimes, so working under her will be quite tough I guess. But I would really love to learn something more, 'cos what I'm doing now is getting a little routined, and boring. Only event preparations can excite me now..

OUT OF WORK
I came to understand Man and Life more. That we have only ourselves to answer to our actions. I've tasted what it is like to have a fling, and to be one as well. It made me grew wiser, that we have only ourselves to trust and depend on eventually. Selfish thought, maybe. But this is what many are practising in order to survive in this callous world. No doubt I don't deny that I've also met many kind souls who were also hit hard but the brutal reality of Life. They share their stories with me, and I told them mine. We don't sympathize or pity one another, 'cos that is the last we want from anyone. Instead we empathize, and encourage one another. It takes two to clap. I appreciate all who walked into my life and gave me precious and priceless lessons, that we can never learn in school. I understood that friendship has no boundaries, and no age gap. Come to think of it, most of the friends I have now are much older than me. That made me wonder, am I really THAT old in mentality? LOL. Somehow, those friends around my age whom I'm still in contact with are my old buddies, who have the same frequency as me.. Other than these friends, I find it pretty hard to click. Not that I look down on them, but I want to learn things out of what I know. I know how a 22 year-old thinks, 'cos I am one myself, so why ask those my age the questions when I already have the answers myself? Instead I like to ask those much older than me, somehow, to me they have seen more and tend to be wiser. Also, I ask those younger than me - my sister - for their view too. They are simple in thinking, not polluted by the reality yet, and they can tell you what they feel, not considering nor worrying too much. Hence the decisions and opinions they - young and old - give are much more different and they really impress me. Can be thought-provoking at times, and it can leave me to ponder for a couple of days. A change in thinking is good I guess, it allows to learn and accept and think out of the box. I must admit although I'm open-minded to others' thinking and perspective of Life, I'm a rather conservative person deep down. I'm afterall a Taurus ma, stubborn to changes. But that does not mean I'm an antique okay. LOL.

RELATIONSHIP
I've been so busy with work - with an average of one project a month - I hardly have time to mingle with old friends, so forget about getting to know new people. First half of the year was really nothing much, 'cos I found comfort with someone, someone whom I should not have feelings for in the first place. But I'm glad in a way, 'cos he was really a good company, he made me learn, that I need to make my own decision when problems arise. Now we are still good friends, and we keep in contact every now and then.
Then came someone whom I least expected, an old friend whom I haven't contacted for some years. It was a great experience for me. And of 'cos, I learnt that I have to be answer for my actions and problems cannot drag, for it can be unhealthy for the relationship, whether between friends, family or lovers. I would like to thank him, for crossing path with mine, even if it is only for a few months. It made me realise exactly what I want out of myself, and not what out of Life.

I've also got to know a couple of friends from online. It turn out to be quite different from what I think it should be. I've always thought that all - guys especially - who go online and search for new friends are out for either flings or s*x. Not that I'm pessimistic, but the reports in the papers really prove enough. However, I think I should not "toss everyone out of the boat with one pole" now. There really are people who are out there to find a friendship, to find someone they can click and chat with. They are really nice people, online. And somehow we can talk more openly, without having to worry about how they think about you, 'cos I believe they will speak their mind out too, like how I will. I hope. The only danger is, you wouldn't know if they are really telling the truth, 'cos you have no idea who and how the person is like at the other side. I met up with a couple of them, and am glad that I'm lucky enough to meet nice people. I've met really horrible one when I was younger, who were out to take advantage of you, but of 'cos not as horrible as what was reported int the paper. Still, I feel the Internet is a good souce to know more people, but we have to more cautious, 'cos there may be wolves out there under sheep's skins. Otherwise, I'm pretty okay with the concept. Also, we tend to have surprises, things that happen out of what we expect. And surprises may not have be unpleasant..


-Ping'er-

HANA

by Orange Range

Hanabira no youni chiriyuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta KISEKI
Aishiatte KENKA shita
Ironna kabe futari de norikoete
Umare kawatte mo anata no soba de hana ni narou

Itsumade mo aru no darou ka
ORE no maue ni aru taiyou wa
Itsumade mo mamori kireru darou ka
naki warai okoru kimi no hyoujou wo
Izure subete nakunaru no naraba
futari no deai ni motto kansha shiyou
Ano hi ano toki ano basho no KISEKI wa
Mata atarashii kiseki wo umu darou

Aisuru koto de tsuyoku naru koto
shinjiru koto de norikireru koto
Kimi ga nokoshita MONO wa ima mo mune ni hora kagayaki ushinawazu ni
Shiawase ni omou meguri aeta koto
ORE no egao torimodoseta koto
"Arigatou" afureru kimochi idaki susumu michinori

*Hanabira no youni chiriyuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta KISEKI
Aishiatte KENKA shite
Ironna kabe futari de norikoete
Umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

**Hanabira no youni chitte yuku koto
Kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
Kimi ga boku ni nokoshita MONO
"Ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
Dakara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

Hana wa nande kareru no darou
Tori wa nande toberu no darou
Kaze wa nande fuku no darou
Tsuki wa nande akariterasu no

Naze BOKU wa KOKO ni iru n darou
Naze KIMI wa KOKO ni iru n darou
Naze KIMI deaeta n darou
KIMI ni deaeta koto sore wa unmei

*Hanabira no youni chiriyuku naka de
Yume mitai ni kimi ni deaeta KISEKI
Aishiatte KENKA shite
Ironna kabe futari de norikoete
Umare kawatte mo anata ni aitai

**Hanabira no youni chitte yuku koto
Kono sekai de subete uke irete yukou
Kimi ga boku ni nokoshita MONO
"Ima" to iu genjitsu no takaramono
Dakara boku wa seiippai ikite hana ni narou

Ame agari niji kakari ao arashi ni umareshi hikari
Koko ni yuruginai taisetsuna mono
Kidzuiteru "aisuru" to iu koto
Mada arukeru darou? mieteru n da mou
"Omoi" toki wo koe toowa ni hibike
Kimi no yorokobi kimi no itami kimi no subete yo
Saa saki hokore motto motto motto

[English Translation]

With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll come back as a flower by your side.

will the sun right above me always be there?
will I always be able to keep safe,
the laughing, crying, angry faces you make?
if it's all going to end someday anyway,
we should be even more grateful
that we could find each other
the miracle of that day, that time and that place
will give birth to a new track.

growing stronger through love,
overcoming through faith
what you left me with, is still here in my heart see, it hasn't lost its shine
I think of things happily, that we could find each other
that I could regain my smile
with these overwhelming feelings of "gratitude",
I push forward on my journey

*With things scattering around us like flower petals
It was a miracle to find you, as if a dream
loving one another, having our spats
we've scaled all kinds of walls together
even in my next life, I'll want to see you

**I'll scatter like flower petals
I'll accept all this world throws at me
you left me with a real treasure called "the here and now"
so I'll live the best I can, and be a flower

why do flowers wilt?
why can birds fly?
why does the wind blow?
why does the moon shine?

why am I here?
why are you here?
why could I find you?
it was fate, that I meet you.

the rain lets up, a rainbow forms across the sky,
the light is born by the strong spring wind,
I become aware of something precious, and unyielding called "loving"
Can I still keep on? I can see it now,
my feeling will last the ages and ring out for all time
your joy, your pain, your everything
go on, bloom in full, bigger, bigger, and bigger.

Hey hey.. been quite a while since I logged in yea. Many apologies. I don't know why, but I couldn't find the urge to blog even though there's so much in my mind - getting lazy? Hmm..I guess so. How's the music? Nice? It's the theme song, of a jap film Be With You, by Orange Range. The film was great. Jap films always know how to bring one's emotions out. Crying Out Love From The Centre Of The World made me cry buckets also. Lol.

Oh well enough of the boohoo. Last weekend was a hell packed one. Don't know why, all the appointments fall on those dates. If only they can spread it out through the month, then I wouldn't have to sit at home the whole watching vcds. LOL. But I quite like it though, 'cos it's the crowd that mattered most, regardless of my tiredness. Last Saturday I had my JC class outing. As usual the same old few kena suan, this time it was worse than before, 'cos we don't give face anymore, even more sarcastic! Lol. It was whole load of laughter at the gathering, even though it was only chatting. I was glad most of us made it. I was glad I made it. Love you all guys..you were wonderful, that I couldn't bear to leave for the annual ZoukOut..

ZoukOut at Sentosa for the very first time (with my long lost brother Daniel)* was experiencing. Although it wasn't as happening as I expected it to be - probably due to the long queue for drinks. Got money also have to wait - 20 hot sweaty minutes! LOL. But over all it was still fantastic, especially the Mambo Jambo - my all time fav! I simply couldn't get enough of it! And boy did time fly while we were partying, 4am felt as though it was only 2am! I wasn't even feeling abit of fatique! Then the wind began to blow strong, and Dan told me it was going to rain so we better head home. I reluctantly agree. And thank God I agreed! It started to pour as soon as we reached the shuttle bus stop. Thanks to Dan's frequent visits to the beach - the knew the winds were bringing rain. Well we went for breakfast at yishun central and we chatted till about 6am. Felt rather bad though, cos Dan had to work at 10am and he lives in the west! Eventually he didn't sleep and headed straight to work. Argh. Feel so guilty..'cos that day(Sunday) we had council outing. He was a Stoner when he came! Oh man..he was so quiet and I heard he wasn't on form during the pool and LAN game sessions. The worse thing is, he kept saying it was alrite, as long as we had fun! You bet that made me even more guilty.. Dan you sure are good at this sia! =P

Anyway at the council gathering we went to the Mind Cafe. It was fun although I was late and only played one game. And as usual, it was SB, Ser and me having gal chat after dinner, when the others went for pool game. CP didn't join us, I guess she still can't open up to us. Still telling us what's nice to order at the cafe she's working at, what coffee is good. She never told us about her problems, her sad moments. I really wonder why. It's not as if we are callous creatures who don't give a damn. We do care, and we want to help her very badly, only if she allows us to. Sigh.. After so many years, we have all grown up. Except her.. How to help her grow up? How to tell her that we will always be a phone call or message away whenever she needs us? Man..I know I always seem like a fierce horrible person who always say I don't give a damn about her. But deep down I do.. 'Cos I know how it felt to be all alone, with no one to talk to.. But I took the courage to allow my friends to comfort me. I was glad I took that step. It made me a better person and really appreciate them. Really really. Thank you my dear friends. Thank you SB, who has been since day 1 of my most down times. Thank you Ser, for dropping me that simply yet precious email. Thank you Candy, for pulling me up from the pit and teaching me to love life once again. Thank you Adrian, for making me feel so appreciated and optimistic. Well if I were to go on, I think you all will start foaming from your mouth - all died of boredom. Lol. Anyway, just want to say a big big big THANK YOU to all those who touched my soul.. and of cos not forgetting my dearest family - especially my cute little sister! Love you all!

P/S: Hope my cousin will send me the HK photos soon! I'm so excited to share them with all of you!

*The reason Daniel is my long lost brother is... *dddrrrrrr... drums rolling...* we share the same birthday! Lol. He is the first and still is the only one whom I found and befriended with to have the same birthday. I really feel it was fate that brought us together. It is really rare, and I will definitely treasure this friendship..

PSS: Thanks Dan, I'm glad we met. Really really.


-Ping'er-

Red Head



I coloured my hair red. Been wanting to do something loud to my hair. The last time I coloured my hair was in June. By now almost no more already. Then one day I saw Stephanie Sun's new MV First Day on MTV channel. AWw Man! Her hair rocks! Bright red under the sun! It caught my attention instantly, and I decided to do it. I went around asking if I would look good in red, received all sorts of comments. My lady boss was excited when I told her, encourage me to try it. Plus it's the IN colour now. And as usual, my siblings didn't really like the idea.. Argh.


Oh well, I went ahead with it anyway. Coco did really a good job everytime I visit her. She always gives me something new and shocking, yet to my liking. I brought Tania and Winnie along too. They were quite happy with how the look also. I'm glad to know that, 'cos I've been telling them how good my hairstylist is. If not up to standard then I'll be super PaiSeh..


When I got back home, my dad asked if I was trying to be funny. LOL. Too unacceptable to him I guess. My brother too. But my sis, although surprised too, like my new look. Actually I'm still adjusting myself to my new hair colour, till now. But somehow it isn't how it was initially. The first wash, the color came off! I could see the water dripping off my head was red... Argh. Day by day, it kept fading. So now, instead of a bright red, I'm kind of wearing a brownish red, with three big streaks of orangey red. Not too bad also.


I hope this can last till new year, 'cos my hair grows real fast. Maybe the next time I can try PURPLE. What do you think? Till then, RED is good.




-Ping'er-

My japanese name is 秋本 Akimoto (autumn book) 千秋 Chiaki (very fine in autumn).
Take your real japanese name generator! today!
Created with Rum and Monkey's Name Generator Generator.

What A Weekend


I was anticipating this weekend for the whole week. He asked me out. I hadn't had this feeling for quite a while - all excited and looking so much forward to it. Usually I'll be like, okay, I've a dinner-cum-movie date coming up. But this time, it was different. It felt something more. I guess I got too excited, so much so that I fell sick (don't ask me why, I've no idea). LOL. As the weekend drew nearer, I had a fever, sore throat, stuffy nose. Gosh, I can't have all these coming now. So off to the doc I went on Friday. Had quite an early night, to make sure I get enough rest for the date.


We had Jap food at a nice restaurant at Plaza Singapura. I bet the food was great, but I couldn't really taste well, after all those pill popping and a stuffy nose. Heh. Then we stayed on and chatted before we went for the movie - 40 Year-Old Virgin. Not a bad romantic comedy, I wonder why it wasn't advertised on the papers. I saw it featured on MSN Today, and so I clicked and had a look at the synopsis. Seems quite nice, indeed it was! I couldn't stop laughing, especially the ending, I think you would ever guess how it ended. I'm not telling, you got to go catch it and find out! Hee.


Then we had some time left still after the movie, so we went Swenson's and had ice cream - STICKY CHEWY CHOCOLATE! Yummy.. and we chatted, about almost anything - buddies, money, future, blah blah blah.. Till I started to stone, and we decided it was time to head home. LOL


All in all, it was wonderful outing, I really enjoyed it. Hope he did too. Somehow I can't help but wonder if I can be a good GF. Well yeah he said that to him, I'm a GF-to-be. It made me feel good about myself, that someone can appreciate me for who I am. 'Cos I never thought I would be good enough for anyone. It's this fear that one day he will start telling I should do this, I shouldn't do that, start picking on my bad points. The thought of it demoralizes me. Yeah you can say I'm thinking too much, but I'm really afraid history will repeat itself, that I'm not good enough. I'm so afraid of making mistakes that I didn't want to move. I was comfortable in my comfort zone.


It took me a lot courage to tell him that I'm clapping with he said it takes two hands to clap. I had so much fear and uncertainty - not about him, but more about myself. I'm setting such high standards for myself that sometimes I think they are so ridiculous. I guess the experinces I had had made me behave this way. Sorry. Then again, I hope he doesn't make assumptions when I said I'm clapping. It only means that we are seeing each other and we are playing our part to make things work. We are still not an item okay. Not officially. I don't want the silence-means-consent thingy to happen again. 'Cos either one of us can rebutt one day that we never were an item in the first place, since the question wasn't popped. Not that I am fussy about it, but I want to play on the safe side. I trust him enough that he won't let it happen, but more of myself. I'm not trying to tie myself down here, but I want myself to commit to it. So if anything were to happen, I bear the consequences. I want to learn to be responsible.


Well, I like the feeling about this relationship and hope it slowly develops further. Right moment, right place, right person. Thank you Lord. Thank him too, for coming into my life.


-Ping'er-

Summary

Time now is 9.05am. It's one of the rare moments to see me up in front of the pc at this time. LOL. I would usually be still in dreamland now. Perhaps it has become a habit already - been up at about 7am everyday to prepare for work. Or perhaps I'm getting old? Researchers has it saying that the older you get, the lesser sleep you need. Well I've had 8hrs of sleep, should be sufficient ya? Alrite, enough of this sleepy crap.

Haven't blogged for about 2 month feels wierd. Somehow, I didn't know how to start - didn't feel like starting also. But nonetheless I think I should jot it down anyway.

Well, many things happened in these couple of months. I had been so busy with events, one after another, that I couldn't rest properly. Been working for 4 full Saturdays consecutively. Super unlucky that the events all fall on the weekends that I was suppose to be off schedule! SO, I decided to take leave for this Saturday (yesterday), when I was suppose to work. And I stay home and zzz. Well not the whole day, I went out for a while in the afternoon. I feel rather refreshed, although there is still an itsy bitsy bit of after-event exhaustion around. Heh.

Oh yes! How can I forget this matter. Just two weeks ago, I went to watch Quidam! It was a good performance, partly because it is my first time watching such performance. My mouth simply couldn't shut tight. I was so amazed at the stuns they make! They must have trained real hard.. Too bad I missed the opening, which suppose to start the storyline kicking, ended up didn't understand the whole performance. But the stuns were fantastic enough.

Not forgetting that I met up with Mabel for dinner after that. As usual, we talked non-stop, updating each other with what's happening in our lives. I'm glad our topic is no longer Joe. Well, can tell she is all grown up now. Always thought that she is the little girl and I'm the big sister, giving her advices. This time round, I learnt many things from her. Quite surprised, but I'm glad. 'Cos I believe we can learn from anyone of any age.

Then after dinner I met up with Yingtong, Biying and Weihao to watch The Brother's Grimm. Not a bad film. Honestly I would have enjoyed it if not for the fact that I was feeling exhausted for the day and couldn't really concentrate. The film ended at 3am...

It was a short but pleasant reunion, with Biying especially. Well, she is still the same old Biying I know, nothing much changed. But going out with them is rather uncomfortable - they were all giants and I'm the only elf. All so tall! Biying is the shortest among the 3 - 1.7m! Not to mention Yingtong. *Haha* Goodness. I'm still getting use to the difference, 'cos these few years I haven't had friends of such height. But height isn't a problem ya. I enjoyed their company anyway.

And yes, the FLOWERS! Two Mondays ago, a bouquet of flowers was delivered to my office. At first when my colleague Priscilla came to my desk and ask me to sign the delivery order, I thought, 'Why me, can't you sign it too?' Then she said it was for me, so I went out to take a look. What a pleasant surprise! A bouquet of pink Geras (is that how you spell it?), which look like sunflowers, only smaller. And so coincidentally, I was wearing a pink top that day. LOL. Well the flowers left my colleagues (even my boss!) questioning me who the sender was, why he gave me flowers, blah blah blah... But my lips were shut tight. Honestly, I didn't know the reason also, but it sure did brighten up my day. *Wide grin*

Hmm..it seems as though I'm trying to squeeze 2 months of things into one blog. Sorry friends, bear with it a little okay? I'll blog more now..


-Ping'er-

YoOhoO..!

I'm back everyone! My pc is fixed, finally! LOL! Will be blogging from now on, although the consistency may still be of a problem.. But I'll try my very best to blog as often as I can okay? Alrite, time is 12midnight exactly! Going to bed now..


-Ping'er-

Gosh so long didn't blog.. Almost wanted to stop. Too lazy.. *hehe* =x Been very busy lately, especially last month. Was handling a major event, the largest one since November '05. 3000 pax, great sense of achievement and satifaction when everything managed to run smoothly, after all the fire-fighting. A great success! xD


Met up with Subing and Ser, finally! We had such a great time catching up, even though we know it was not enough. Bitching around, updating about one another's life.. Yeah I know I told them that they would do the talking, 'cos I lost my voice (again..), but end up I was the most chatty. Don't know why, feel so comfy when with them, really can talk about anything under the sun! Love you gals!


Couldn't imagine they could bear with my sexy, manly voice for 3hrs! *salute* haha.. But I ended up not able to talk at all at the end of the day.. Throat hurt so badly! *sob sob* Felt so paiseh when my friend sent us back.. 'cos I was suppose to be the point of contact between them, but end up I couldn't strike up any conversation between them.. Throughout the car trip was SILENCE.. *geez* As if he was our chauffeur.. =x


Hmm.. who knows, he might thinking that way? *heh* Well we only met up again about 2 weeks ago, ever since we graduated from secondary school. Still remember he was the gentle Giant and I was the little Elf of the batch. Didn't really know him then, 'cos we were never in the same class, only know him 'cos his the tallest among us, 1.87m! But we managed to chat sometimes out of class through Sze Keat. Was really suprised when he asked me out of a drink. And as usual..I was the one chattering again..


Hope to meet up with more friends again. Old friends. I know I am always busy with work.. But please, I would always love to go out for a drink with you guys. If you see me on msn and I didn't drop you a msg, it's not 'cos I'm DAO okie! I'm just busy with my work..plus my pc screen is facing outwards..everyone can see.. But do drop me a msg! I'll surely reply you, just a matter of time ya.. *hehe*


P/S: yippi, do you still want your Jay's Qi Li Xiang or not?! It's been with me for so long ya..have you forgotten about it? Got gf forgot about your friend here la! You gOod..you goOd..


-Ping'er-

It's a holiday, but it's raining! *sheessh* Good in a way though..the weather had been terrible these days! Thank goodness there's such thing as AIR CON! *heh*


Well the long waited event is nearing, and I can't wait to get myself to office everytme! Crazy to you ya, but I guess I love what I'm doing. It gives me the satisfaction. Tiring of 'cos, but when I reach the end point and look back, I know all the late nights and effort is worth it, especially when I'm not the only one who make the whole thing happen.


I've been grateful of what I have now - loving family, caring colleagues, comfy working environment. I think I should be grateful to him. If not for him, I doubt I would be who I am now. Went out with my sister yesterday, there was a Prudential road show at Orchard MRT station. Suddenly at the corner of my eye I saw a familiar face. When I took a second look at her, I remember - his passing phase. The one who came in between us, the silly girl who fell for him. She looked tired. I don't think she saw me, maybe she didn't even recognise me ya? I don't look the same anymore, plus we only met a couple of times.


Somehow the sight of her gave me a tingling feeling. There is still fear, pain, though not as terrible as it used to be. I hope I've been moving on.. There is still some hatred for her, yet I pity her. She was also a victim in his selfish plot. I wanted to go up and greet her actually, but don't think she'll remember me. Does she even want to recall that memory? Hmm..maybe not. But I hope she is fine. If there is a chance, I hope to befriend her again, as "her friend", and not as "his ex-gf".


I hope to love without being hurt eventually. But when I do get hurt eventually, does it mean that what I expected to happen didn't turn out the way I wanted? Is it actually that I got hurt from loving too much, or is it that I got hurt from expecting too much? Dear Lord, enlightenment please..



-Ping'er-

Hmm..to feel happy or sad? I wonder. What am I doing to my life? Gosh..I wonder. I feel I've lost the sense of direction in life. Just blindly living and letting the days pass.

I'm feeling upset, frustrated, irritated - pissed. It's like, you want to play and have fun, yet so afraid to get caught. *^!#$@

I know I shouldn't be doing this, but things just fell into place. Not that I couldn't help it. The feeling was just right, except that the after-taste can be guilty and regretful sometimes.


Argh.. I'm a disaster to my life, ain't I? It's just that this emptiness can't seem to be filled ever since you were gone.. Life was never same anymore, for the good and the bad. I feel I've become so shallow, totally hate myself sometimes. Keep occupying my mind to numb this unhappiness.


I keep telling people to be strong, to stay positive, but I guess I need to tell that to myself more than to anyone. I feel I'm stuck in the pile of nonsense and can't seem to get out of it.


It does feel lonely at times you know..and you just hope that someone special can come along the way and lift you up and brighten your life. I know this will take some time, 'cos I need to see myself as a special person and learn to appreciate who I really am, before anyone can see me his special someone and appreciate me.


Well of 'cos I need to learn to trust again.. Matters of the heart - hard to understand.



-Ping'er-

MAMBO NIGHT


It's been a while since I've gone to mambo. The feeling was great! Can never get enough of it. Only thing I guess was I drank a bit too much, heard things I didn't want to hear, saw things I didn't want to see. Got drunk..perhaps cos it'll stop my head from thinking so much, and let me say what I feel like saying deep down..


Saw him in his maroon car, with a girl. That scene was so familiar..it used to be me in the place of that girl. Everything he said before was lie..LIES! Called Pinky and told her about it. She offered to send me home, but I've already had someone to send me home. Well I guess what she said was true. I've been living in DENIAL. Cos I know if I were to face it, I'll die. I'm not happy deep down, but at least I try to put on a smile. I've never been happy since god knows when! I stopped believing that true love existed. Two persons stay together cos they need each other, sort of making use of each other huh? Only that the term LOVE is used..the whole meaning is changed.


I realise I talk alot when I'm drunk. And I say what I feel, my mind wasn't controlling my emotions. Probably that's why I like the high feeling. When I'm sad, I can cry out real hard. I feel better after that. Better than when I'm sober, I keep all these pain and sorrow within me.


Please let these pain and sorrow go away. Someone prove me wrong. Cos so many people have taken away the trust which I planted time and time again. Now I've no more trust for the purest and most innocent wonder of life - LOVE.


"The Voice Within" - Christina Aguilera



-Ping'er-

Hmm..it's one of those days again. I want to blog, but the words won't come out. *argh* I don't know to feel happy or sad that this is happening to me.. God pls enlighten me. I know what I should do, but I just got to follow my heart. I know it isn't right, that it might not be a happy ending, that I might end up broken-hearted, that I might be left hanging again.. But I just want to give it a try, at least I can tell myself that I grabbed the opportunity to let things happen. I don't want to have any regrets.


I don't know if he reads my blog anymore. He always asked me what's on my mind whenever I'm quiet.. Well it feels nice when I'm with him. I enjoy chatting with him, teasing him. *heh* Not forgetting that he suans me back also.. His company is great. No expectations. But I'm just afraid that subconsciously I'll slip into the wrong side. I don't want to lose Hope and Faith again.. *argh*


"You can shine, no matter what you are made of" - Bigweld, Robots


-Ping'er-

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/

I wonder why I had no feelings when he did that last night. No sadness, no happiness, no anxiety, blah.. I couldn't explain it. Is it 'cos I'm already numbed? It does feel sick that all this shit is actually happening to me again. Well I asked for it, didn't I? No point saying "I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that".. What's done is done, and I guess it happened for a reason? Hopefully..

I'm still figuring out how to handle the situation. Learning how to say no. I guess the whole problem with me is that I can get so agreeable with things that may have triggered it off. I'm really very upset with myself - my behaviour. I hated myself even at times. I need to change. Argh, hate it when I feel this way.

Well we had a talk last night. Somehow I kinda expected what he would say. The typical things - 'I'm sorry..it shouldn't have happened..I hope it won't jeopardize our friendship..blah..' Maybe that was why I had nothing to say. At that point in time, my feeling was like I-can't-be-bothered. What has happened to me? Damn..I really wish I can be upset and blame him, blame the whole world about.. But I couldn't, I just couldn't make myself do it..

But I do ask why this is happening to me. What wrong have I done to deserve it? Feeling disappointed.. F**k, I'm writing nonsense. How to write a blog with I can't even get my feelings right.


-Ping'er-

Heh. Sorry guys - the long awaited blog is here. Been busy with my work, and also I've been lazy to blog. It's been a month since my last blog ya? Well, many things happened.Wanted to write them down, but I'm either always home late, or the computer's occupied.

Anyway, been feeling temperamental. Again, matters of the heart. I think I'm in a little deeper than I should be. So afraid to let history repeat itself, so afraid to eat my words. It's a test from God ya? You want to test if I've learnt my lesson ya? Can someone teach me to protect myself more? Can someone teach me not to succumb so easily? I tried to stay away, stay clear. But no the situation didn't change. I guess I'm feeling empty inside.. He was there. But I'm telling myself we will just be friends. Good friends. I wouldn't want to anything bad for my karma.

During UPW, we had the board-breaking session. They made us write down on the wooden board what we want to get rid of from life and what we want in life. I wrote I want to move on, to let go, to dare to commit and love again without have any reservation nor fear, to let Joe see I'm indeed living so much better. Tried breaking the board, tried so damn hard but I couldn't. I wasn't focusing, my posture was wrong. My mind was a mess. In the end there were only six of us left who couldn't break the boards, out of hundred over. We got help, and as I was waiting for my turn, I feel a surge of anger. I'm angry at myself - why after so long I still can't get over that damn whole thing?! Am I really that weak? I've been trying to push myself harder, but why am I still square one? I cried so hard, I guess I needed to let it out.

Feel down and cranky after the session, even till now. One moment I can be laughing along with you and the next I can be sitting at my corner quietly working. Thoughts just keep running in my head. I should stop thinking for a while. I feel I'm being drowned. Hate matters of the heart.

I guess I'm now working so hard to numb myself, it's something which can take my mind away from all this pain. I know it's not exectly the right way, but at least I find satisfaction in it. Please don't take that away from me also. Please...


-ping'er-

What a way to spend the New Year's eve! Went Orchard with Yippi, then met up with Veron and her friend..gosh it was an utterly wrong choice! The whole place was a mess - all foamy from the foam can thingy. It was so so crowded! We had to squeeze and push our way through. People with the spray cans simply aim at anyone in the way..especially those Bangladeshi, who aimed the spray at the faces. I got hit a few times. Almost bashed one of them up. So angry!

Realised that Orchard wasn't the place to stay, Yippi and I decided to head down to KTV to look for Candy, but didn't stay long too. Then my colleague called to ask me to join him at another KTV. Boy..was travelling from place to place the whole night! Finally settled down at Mr Bean and chatted till dawn, before heading home.

I'm so proud of Candy. After so much shit and nonsense, she's finally made it. She got what she's been fighting so hard for. Well I felt bad that we had some misunderstandings along the way, and she didn't contact me for certain reasons. Got upset, but I was glad eventually, that despite all these, our friendship is still strong. And she is still the one who was there for me when I needed shoulder to cry on (literally). *Love you gal* =)

A new year has began. A new start in life again. I'm moving on to another chapter of my life. Will make it a better one than before. Will be stronger and wiser.. Learnt lots of things, had lots of experience in the past year - happy and sad ones. I'll choose to remember the happy ones. Like I said before, everything happens for a reason, to let us learn. And if history repeats itself, it means I haven't learnt from my mistake. God will keep giving me such nonsense till I learn. Will learn to be cautious against people, men especially. After all, I don't think like them ya, so I won't know what's on their mind.


Won't be Dumbo Girl again.


-Ping'er-