Got to read these poems on Veron's blog, found them quite meaningful and true.. Sorry Veron, adapted without asking for copyright ya! Haha.. Good things are meant to be shared among friends right.. Heh.. Alright, here's how it goes..

Have you ever love someone

And knew he didn't care

Have you ever felt like crying

But knew you'd get nowhere

Have you seen him dancing

When all the lights were low

Have u ever whispered "God, i love him"

But wouldn't let him know

You wonder where he is tonight & if he's thinking of you

One moment you will b happy

The next you'll be blue

Love is fine but it hurts so much

The price you pay is high

So if you fall in love my friend..

You'll be hurt before you're through

Believe my friend, I ought to know

Because I have fallen in love with you...

Here's another one..

Do you love me or do you not?

You told me once but I forgot

So tell me now and tell me true

So that I can tell you that I love you

Of all the people that I've met

You're the only one I can't forget

And if I die before you do

I'll go to heaven and wait for you

If you're not there by judgement day

I'll know you went the other way

I'll give the angels back their wings

And risk the loss of everything

Just to prove my love is true

I'll go to hell to be with you.

So if you want to tell that special someone just how much he/she means to you, just let it all out! For you'll never know when you'll get that special moment again..

Don't keep it to yourself just 'cos you are too shy, or too proud to show. Trust me, when the person's gone, you might find yourself regretting it..

-Ping'er-

I'm glad I've been blessed with wonderful colleagues at work, who are always so willing to teach and guide me. No doubt our age gap is rather big - about 10 years - we have no problem communicating. (Although at times we do find it hard to share a common topic. Heh.) They treat me like their little sister, aka Xiao Mei. We even form up an unofficial "Tania Dept", with Tania as the head, Jaslene, Winnie and me as member. Haha..

During work we always chat and gossip over yahoo messenger, then at the end of the office suddenly you'll see one of them laughing in front of their computer, so funny! That's life at work ya..when they are not around, the whork project team dept grow so quiet, like what happened on Wednesday. Me at my little corner, with only Cris. We didn't talk, somehow all of us couldn't clique with her. Don't know why - perhaps she's isolating herself. We can't really understand her also, maybe due her Filipino accent in her English, but she really can go all the way and tell you old granny story! The worse thing is, at the end of the stories, you don't know what she asks of you.. Geez.. So we end up not bothering to talk to her.. Very bad hor? Heh.

Winnie told me the other day to expand my horizon - to go on trip to overseas with the management. Well she is suppose to be the one doing all the flying - to China mainly, as she use to handle projects there in the past with other companies - but she figure out she won't be staying that long. (She's planning to start up a small business and sell noodles, together with Tania I guess.. Sigh.. There goes two of Tania Dept members..) So she told me to recommend myself to Boss instead. In this industry (in every industry I'd say), the younger you are exposed the better. Gain all the experiences I can, when I still have the energy to chiong. It'll be a great life story. Who knows, I may see life in another perspective again? This thought has been in my head for quite a while. Should I step out of my little corner and venture out the the unfamiliar..? Perplexed.. Headache. Argh.


-Ping'er-

I threw tantrums again. My temper is getting for bad to worse. I became so insensitive of people's feelings, too overwhelmed with my own. I feel I'm being swallowed up inwards gradually. I've lost the ability to love..to care..to feel.. Except pain, anger, dissappointment, fear, hatred. I've fallen into the pit again. What's happening to me? Why is all this shit happening again. 'Cos I don't love myself? Show me to the light again..I think I've lost my way..


-Ping'er-

Went to my aunt's place for Christmas dinner gathering yesterday - only her family, cousins and a couple of friends. Somehow I felt different, couldn't really blend in. They are like in their circle chatting,and i'm sitting at the corner listening and laughing along with their jokes.. All of them with their other half.. So sour inside. I can't help but start to lament. Argh.

Maybe it's me, I lack self-confidence, always thinking of how others think of me. I should learnt o love myself more ya. Been hating myslef so much lately. All the love's gone.. I need encouragement, love and care. And I know I'm not a generator of those for myself. I get depress, who can see..?

Been motivating myself, been reminding myself. But I still miss him. Badly. It gets terrible whenever I've nothing to do, whenever I cant get to sleep. That night he messaged after so long..I was surprised yet delighted. How I wish he can ask me out, but that's wishful thinking I know. Won't happen.. Slowly making myself accept the fact ya. Numbing myself with work. I even tried to draw again..tried to read a book, play online games..blah. Just to make sure my mind is occupied and my thoughts don't run wild..

Silly me - please wake up silly dumbo girl.


-Ping'er-

What a great time to fall sick. I had a very bad gastric attack, again. But this time it's worse. Doctor says if it doesnt get better, she suspect it may be stomach ulcer. I'm getting better after the medication, still in pain though, so much so that I can't stand straight. Sigh.. I haven't even done my Christmas shopping! I guess my friends will be getting belated x'mas gifts, please undertand ok! Heh..

I hope this year will pass quickly, 'cos it hadn't been really a good year for me, though it had be the most happening one for me. I really hope that things will get better.. I've so much thoughts now..geez. Can't put them into words. I hope he still reads my blog every now and then - shows that he still bothers about me?

I sort of got to know the reason why it all died off between us. I couldn't accept it initially, cried hard. Hated the world. But I guess if he wanted his way, nothing could have stopped him. He chose to succumb I guess. Devastated of course, but that was the choice he made. What I'm even more upset was, he didn't even give me a good explanation. He left me to throw all my tantrums, letting my thoughts run wild. But nevertheless, it's all the past. I hope we still can be friends though.

No more sweet messages, no more I love you..so what? Life still has to go on. I just hope for the best for him. I know things haven't been as good as he wanted. But press on ya, don't give up. You'll get what you deserve eventually.


p/s: It's not about making the RIGHT decision, but about making the decision RIGHT.


-Ping'er-

Many times I wonder, I did thing out of love. What about him? Did I stand a place in his heart? Do I STILL stand a place in his heart? It pains me so much when he left me just like that..no sound no picture.. And I couldn't do anything to save it. I wanted to make the whole relationship better than the previous one. I thought I found one who could stand by me..but I guess he didn't find his one in me.. I wonder if I'm stil his baobei.. Has he become so ruthless and aggressive that he forgot how to love, how to feel, how to be a normal human.. I love him with all my heart, despite knowing I might be hurt eventually, 'cos he made a difference in my life.

I guess I was too much clouded by unjust and pain that made me said things that hurt him, that made him shun away from me, as he may feel I'm a source of negativities, I make him feel even more negative and down.

I once hear a saying - "The one who is seen protecting others, is the one who need protection the most. The one who shows love and care to others, is the one need care and love the most." I find it rather true and logical.. I love to love and I love to care..for my love ones especially. Deep inside I just wish that my love and care can be reciprocated.. Think about it.

Makes no sense ya? Every paragraph isn't linked to the previous one. Well, it's just my flow of thoughts. Thoughts deep inside, making me perplex..


-Ping'er-

Went Velvet last night. Was one of the boring moments I spent chionging.. Only 3 of us! All flew kite at the last minute. Argh! Well I guess chionging isn't the same anymore. Blgging too. The negative energy level is so high around here, and I'm the source. I figure that perhaps that's the reason why people are staying away from me. I'm simply shutting myself up and blabbering nonsense.

Woke up the wrong side of bed today, feeling so depressed. I guess I've been fooling myself all this while, trying to get to the comfort zone. He is keeping a distance from me now, especially when I go cranky. I suppose I've lost him, or maybe not. I don't think I have him even in the first place. Who am I to him anyway? So many times I just want to let it all end. Took a ride home on my friend's bike last night, I almost wanted to let myself fly off the bike and bish and bang and die like that. But that'll make him a careless rider. So called off the idea. Dumb right, I know. But he wouldn't know nor care. He's too tired and sick of handling me now.

I know I haven't been loving myself. Tried things to numb the pain. Been wondering, how come history is repeating itself? Is it that I really didn't learn from my previous experience? This totally sucks. Argh. I'm lamenting again, ain't I? Knock me out of this state ya. WAKE UP YOU DUMBO GIRL!!

Those reading this, would appreciate if you can tag in the text box on the page provided.. Thank you.


-Ping'er-

The year is ending, so quickly.. Time flies as you grow older. This hasn't been a good year for me I would say, yet the most experiencing. Learnt lots of things - how the working society and adult world operates. One has to be really independent and can't be too trusting. Has to be ruthless too. So sad. How I wish I don't have to grow up. All this pain is proving too much for me to handle.

Went Mambo at Zouk last wednesday. It was Ju's birthday. I didn't know it till on the eve, so didn't manage to get him a gift in time. Besides going to celebrate his birthday, I also wanted to take the chance to catch a glimpse of Richard. It's been almost a month we met, and we haven't been contact much also. Whenever I told him how I feel - that we are drifting apart - he would always reply he knew I'd feel this way, blah blah blah.. It's always the same replies. I was thinking, if he knew then why didn't he take any action? He didn't do anything to rectify. Just gave excuses and left me there. Am I really that worthless and unimportant? Where's all love the gone? If he's tired, can't keep up, then please tell me. If he truely loves me, he wouldn't let me suffer like this. All he said, are all lies.

I tried to put a strong front. I'm not jealous that he has girls around him, as long as the trust is there. I'm not a narrow-minded person. I know what industry he is in, I can even make friends with his friends. I can do lots of things for him, I've been through all these before. All I hope for is some attention, some special attention from him to reassure myself! But I got none. I feel I'm totally invisible to him. Everyone at least came up and chat with me. But where is he? He is always explaining himself, defending himself. I don't need explanations, all I ask for is action. Don't keep saying it but take no action. It's so so painful, every night I cry, everytime I blog I cry. Even as I work, my heart gets heavy. I don't want history to repeat itself. Give me back my smile, my hope, my strength to live on, which I tried painstakingly to get back.

Now I find it hard to blog even. My feelings and thoughts are too overwhelming that I can't put them into words. I feel I'm all alone, I can't express my feelings. I know I'll certainly have friends who will lend me their listening ears, but just like the past, I'm keeping things to myself again. That night after mambo, I cried hard, real hard. But does he know? I wonder. I guess I've been holding it up long enough. I'm tired, so tired. Tell me, what sin have I done to have to go through all these? Can someone please tell me?! Joe has been talking bad about me in front of people. Isn't he at fault too?! Why me? Why has it always got to be me?! How can those people live happily and I've to go through all this? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? FATE IS UNFAIR. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? THERE IS NO JUSTICE. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE HIM GET AWAY WITH WHAT THEY WANT AND I CAN'T?! THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOVE. IT'S ALL A SCAM TO HURT YOU EVEN FURTHER. I HATE LIFE.


-Ping'er-

Been watching the 9pm show on Channel 8 starring Zoe. I like Vincent Wong's role..Little Tortoise. Somehow it brought back memories..when I still was happily with Joe, when we haven't stepped into AM..when we were still normal and simple..doing things that a normal couple would do, going to places that a normal couple would go, saying things that a normal couple would say.. I miss those days..many times I wonder why things soured. Is this the way of Life? Have I taken him for granted? He was the one who made me feel so loved, so precious..made me learn to love myself and to love once more.. He was so conscious about my feelings, so anxious about me, so willing to change himself for the sake of me. Every little thing he does, it made me smile. Though there are times we had tiffs, he always gave in to me. Then he would surprise me with little gifts - hand-made ones - and by waiting for me at my place with a big sunflower or even pick me up from work.

But gradually, all these sweet little details were immortalised..became memories. So painful..still is. Who can take this pain away? Who can help me forget this pain? I'm not a happy person. How and where can I find my happiness, something which he gave me, but callously took away then after?? I still hate him, is it because I still feel for him? Hatred is also a feeling. Would I even bother so much if I didn't care? This agony..this irony..help me..


-Ping'er-

I miss him. Wonder if he feels the same way too. Every single I'm anticipating for his call, sms.. But none came. We're contacting each other lesser and lesser nowadays. It really saddens me that things are turning out this way. It seems like everything just died down.. Maybe I've been expecting too much. Or perhaps he's got tired of this whole thing. He's not at a losing end anyway. He still has someone to be there for him. What about me? I'm heart-broken, disheartened..

My temper is getting from bad to worse. Get so easily irritated, no patience. I wonder what went wrong. Is there something wrong with me? Have I not changed? Am I still the way I used to be? Lost my self-esteem. I'm not happy deep down. It seems I can't generate happiness from within anymore. Keep searching..don't even know what I'm searching for. So lost.. Help me..


-Ping'er-

In great dilemma. Feel like giving up. I feel I can't talk to him as freely as before. The trust is running thin.. The feeling is like that of when I was with Joe. Always just giving the benefit of the doubt. I'm a human afterall. I need to let things out. Who can help me? I'm always lending a listening ear to others, but who is willing to lend theirs to me? I feel I'm like an over-stuffed pot, overflowing soon. Help..

I guess I haven't really gotten over Joe, he still gives me the chill whenever he messages me. Argh! Having lots of thoughts, but can't pen them down.

Well, I just wish someone out there can give me attention, dote on me. But whenever I have that, I shun it. Why am I doing this? It's an instinct I guess. Afraid I'll take for granted and keep asking for more. I'm back to my old self again afterall. I'll never change. Life is simply dreadful. Hate it.


-ping'er-

Am I a negeative person? I often ask myself this question. I feel I am. People around me are often impressed by me. Of 'cos not for my negativity, but suprisingly it's for the opposite. Well I guess I'm putting up a strong front - staying jovial and positive. Physiology affects my emotions, and in turn affects my spirit and behaviour. Thus I always laugh things away. And I feel better, but that does not mean I'm not thinking about them.

Lately, many unhappy things happened. Work and my life. My burden got heavier. I realise I'm not as strong nor positive as I used to. I wonder what has happened. I guess I've to be on my own to be positive again, 'cos I've to depend on myself, and I've no one to fall back on. Thus I made myself very very strong spiritually. So does this mean I've to be on my own to feel positive and optimistic? I wonder.

In front of him, I'm always pulling a long face, always throwing tantrums, always saying things so negative. End up making us both upset and hurt. Where have all the teachings and auto-suggestion gone to? I wonder.

I always blame myself. Always so childish, so immature. Hate that side of me totally. Apart from him, the people who see this side of me are my parents. Perhaps when I'm with him, I put my guard down..and show my true self. Would that be true? I wonder.

I blame myself. Always blaming myself. For creating so much trouble. Should I end it all? For his sake mainly, it's totally unfair for him. Perhaps if I do so, he might be happier, and I might so back to my old self again..

I know I've always have a problem expressing myself. Still is. I feel it's really not right to complain and lament. In my mind there's always a battle going on - my positive and negative side. I want to say it out, but I don't know how to put it into words. The feeling is horrible. So I end up keeping it to myself, making myself irrational, irritable. And I'll mess up my life saying and doing stupid things. And REGRET. Argh.

A great test from GOD. Will I ever pass it? I've been trying and trying for so long.. What will ever make me learnt? The hard way? How hard then? Someone tell me please. I'm always self-destructing myself.

My FEAR. My UNCERTAINTY. My LOW SELF-ESTEEM. My LACK of CONFIDENCE. I'm killed by them. I'm dead.

Revive me.


-Ping'er-

I know what I'm doing isn't right. Well I almost wanted to give it up once and for all. I'm tired. Really tired. Having to condition myself consistently, control my emotions and tantrums, be strong, etc. It's slowly wearing me out.. Had a great chat with Subing last night at Serena's birthday bash last night. Updated her alot of what's going on in my life. Well..her comment was the same as my siblings. He's selfish.. He's having the best of both worlds. But after hearing his situation between him and W, she kind of empathized with him. Sometimes Fate likes to play with us. Letting us go through all this sh*t.. I might not even know if there'll be a pleasant ending between me and him. I'm at the losing end.. What if they really get married? What if W holds on to him? I know he'll not make the first move to break up. He never will. What should I do then?

Last night I was very troubled. He knows how I feel about him. I'm a normal woman after all. I can go through thick and thin with him. It's not as if I've never gone through this before. I can always say I'm alright, I'm ok. But honestly I really want a status. Am I his girlfriend? But even if I am, so what? Look at W. She has the status, but only the status. Well..I guess both love and status have to come together ya? Outside, we can never admit we are an item. At least for W, it's only 100m radius from Cuppage Plaza. For me? Everywhere is dangerous, is forbidden. Maybe I'm thinking too much. But do I have a choice? I may sound complicated, always thinking of problems. But if I don't, I may end up how I was in the last relationship - I crashed. Totally lost hope of life. Joe once told me he won't leave me, 'cos he knows I won't be able to take the blow. 'Cos I told him, when William left me, I slipped into depression. Only a few months being together. Well, look what he did eventually. He still left me. I can say I've learnt the hard way, or so what Subing said. I'm no longer as innocent, as ignorant. Hope and faith is barely hanging on only..

So now, I think, I self-reflect, I self-condition. I've learnt that my reactions can affect others too. I've learnt to control my emotions so much better. I've also learnt to give others the benifit of the doubt. But never betray my trust, for you can never expect me to trust you as much anymore. I need to protect myself. I've learnt to be independent and have more friends, 'cos I know I'll be on my own anytime. You can say I've lost faith. But I don't want to crash again. It almost killed me. All I can say is, actions speak louder than words. No point telling me so much sweet nothings, when you are doing another.

To give up or not? I don't know. I'm in a great dilemma. I know I should cherish. But I'm really very tired. I almost gave it up last night. Never want to be in contact with him again. To disappear from him life. I wonder if that would even have an impact on him? I don't know. I was feeling way low low last night. But his one apology melted my heart away. Maybe I'm soft-hearted..but I just went soft when he said he was sorry. Am I weak and useless? I don't know.. He's too precious to me, and I'm so afraid of losing him. Perhaps that's why I throw tantrums and get upset so easily. He means alot to me. I'm putting in alot of effort and love into this relationship, 'cos I don't want history to repeat itself. I want to make sure I do my part and I don't make the same mistakes again. I want to make sure it works out right. But many times I question myself - is it all worth it, knowing that it may not get me anywhere? Well, I guess it's something I'm trying to learnt. So painful sometimes, when I think realistically. Please help me.. Please be fair to me.. Please show me light and give me hope..

-ping'er-

Been to the war and back! Just finished the major project, and I'm half-dead. It made me grow, that NAC isn't a big project after all. UPW is even bigger! But at the end of it, there was a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment. I went through the process, and enjoyed it. Though of cos there were politics, oh well, it's inevitable I guess. All's over and well now. Time to move on, to closed this project and head on the the next one - Robert Kiyosaki! It'll be two months later, and I'll be half dead again. *haha* I'm rubbishing again, don't know what I'm typing..

Today, back to office to work as usual, but somehow I don't have the mood! Feel so snailly, so sluggish. Guess it must be the residue from the event. My dad was asking even why I'm working today. He told me to take MC to rest at home. *haha* Cute dad.

And so I reached office, I checked my emails, visited Friendster and started to write this blog. Not 'cos I haven't wrote for a while, but had feelings to pour out. I can say I felt lonely deep inside, though I'm putting a strong fron all the time, no matter what.

Went to look at my friends' pages at Friendster. Some updated the profiles, some changed their pictures. Went to take a look at Joe's. Guess he must be real blissed with his life now. Somehow, I wasn't as upset anymore. Hopefully he's getting out of my life. Went to look at Panda's page - not much of a change nor update. So I curiously went to take a look at W's page. Her pictures - she is pretty in her way. Sweet I would say. Whenever I see her, I think of what's between me and him. I feel we've gone to deep, and too wrong. Many times I question myself. The sense of guilt, that's how I feel. Feel like a bitch really. Happy, yes, that's how I feel. But I can't live life day by day. I know I'm at the losing end. What's all this? A test for me? I followed my heart, is this what I get in return?

He's fighting for his car now, and much focus is really needed. I know what I can help is to be supportive and be there for him. But whenever I feel down and lonely, I think of him, me and W. Fear and uncertainty comes in. Will I be alone again in the end? Will I be left broken-hearted? All these really make me want to leave him. 'Cos I know time will make us forget. And when we think back, we will remember only the happy moments. Life will still go on. And maybe then, he'll start to cherish and love W once again, like how it used to be. Or has it always been like that, and I'm just a passing phase in his life who made a little difference to him? I don't know. So many questions unanswered.

I just want to protect myself. I don't to be left alone anymore. I know chances should be seized and cherished. I guess I should learn to trust when it comes to matters of the heart. But I just feel unfair. Why must I go through all this crap? Well, I asked for it. I followed my heart, knowing it's not right. So I shall bear the consequences. Sometimes, I really hate him. What he's doing is unfair to me. Though he dotes on me more, so what? No faith, that's what I feel, 'cos we have no future to look forward to. Feeling low, that's how I feel, 'cos I know I may end up alone again. Feeling guilt, that's how I feel, 'cos I know I'm doing W wrong.

Well I would be selfish, wouldn't I? To think only for myself, whether I'll be at the losing end or if I'll be hurt. If I leave now, I know it'll definitely affect him greatly. Or will it not? I don't know.. Must never let him lose focus. This is dragging on for a while.. *sigh*

Will it turn out right? The way I wish for? Trust and faith..slowly fading.. Does he really understand how I feel? I really don't know. Where has my belief gone to? Help..


-Ping'er-

Felt bad.. I upset him again. I don't know why, whenever he mentions W I'll get all so cranky and crazy. Can't think rationally, end up doing stupid things. I made him tear, so badly. Ju says I should feel happy, 'cos he's spending much much more time with than with W. I'm on the better side, I should cherish what I have now.
Well, I guess I'm selfish eh? Love is unconditional I know, but it can get one act very selfishly also. I can share alot of things with others, but not my man. Never. If really I have to, I'll choose to back out. I don't wish things to turn ugly. So it's better to do it this way. Anyway, either one he chooses, the other party will be hurt. I would rather the one hurt be me than W. What am I compared to her? She's the one who went through so much sh*t with him, helped him out at his worst moments. I doubt I can be as brave as her. No matter what, to outsiders, I'll always be labelled the 3rd party who came in between them. They'll never accept our explanation.
He said someone told him not to go into this relationship too deep. I wondered who it might be.. Candy? I don't know. Well I don't know if it's already too late to undo things. Things just fall into place on its own, and we couldn't help it. It just happened! I know it's isn't right, isn't ethical to do what I'm doing now. But I simply couldn't control my emotions! Maybe I followed my heart too much? I don't know..
I don't know whether or not to go on, 'cos I don't dare to see the future - there might not even be one . Yes I know I shouldn't think so much and so far. I should instead cherish and enjoy this very moment. But sometimes I really lost faith, and want to back out. Just go back to my old life. Things might just turn out better. He and W still happily together like before. And me, I shall lead my singlehood, busy with work. Miserable, yes, but if it's a better outcome, I don't mind. It's just my luck. I wouldn't want W to be miserable. I know how it feels. It's BITTER. I know she does love him. If not she wouldn't want to meet him so badly that she waited for him at his place for his return. Perhaps this is a test for me from God. To be the nasty lady and break them up? Tell her that we are seeing each other? Well, my devil side did tell me to do that. But I couldn't. It's not righteous to do so. 'Cos I KNOW HOW IT FEELS!! Wouldn't want anyone to go through what I've gone through. No one deserves to be treated this way.
Deep in my heart I very much yearn for my man to be solely mine.. But I know this will never happen. Never. It pains me. *Argh* Why do I always end up talking about such things? Everytime my blog is about these stuff! Well afterall this is my inner world, where I express my thoughts and feelings. I've a problem expressing, no matter to who. Just feel it isn't right to feel down. I'm tired of life, really. It's like a marathon, an eternal one, till the day I die. Have to keep going no matter what. Sh*ts happens. Have I really changed alot? For the good or bad? I don't know. Kept saying I've changed. I can't be the little girl forever. I want my own life. I want to write my book of life! I don't want to be the boring girl whom no one likes to hang out with, whom people can bully and take advantage of. I've lost faith I feel. For certain things, do I really want it to happen that way? Candy once said, 'Never wish for what you don't want to happen. You'll regret it.' Honestly, what I wish isn't what I want to happen. I don't want to back out! I don't want to suffer! I don't want to give my man away just like that! I want fight for what I want! It's tiring, really. But no pain no gain, right? Don't know what the outcome may be, we shall see how it goes. Uncertain? Of 'cos it is, terrifying sometimes. But I'm prepared for the worst. Don't worry about me. I may be cranky and upset, but I'll be ok after some self-conditioning and auto-suggestion. I've been through sh*ts. I can take it. If not, I shall learn.

"To do what you love is FREEDOM. To love what you do is HAPPINESS"


-ping'er-

Date of this blog: 15 August 2004 (Sunday)
Note: I'm suppose to post this up last week, but was too busy to do so. So here it is..

Sick again.. *argh* Hate it when this happens. And it's always when the events near. Am I pushing myself too hard to get things done? I guess I just got the habit of getting things done in a shot while I've got the momentum. Well I guess I wouldn't be unwell if not for some irresponsible and uncommitted colleague! Am so mad! I offered to help, ended up I did all the work and he went off early! $#%^$#!!!!! I could have had other most important things done! Could have help Tania do seat plotting and could have done more important matters. Just one *#%$&^ guy and all our things got messed up. True enough, it's girl power in SR! Will get a lashing from me on Monday! *haha* Guys don't have the say most of the time, do they? They always get slapped verbally in the face straight. Take Fong for instance, always get bullied and teased by us.. *haha* But he's a nice guys, my Fong kor kor.. Still remember he bought me a cake and celebrated together with my colleague for my birthday. *touched*In SR (or should I say everywhere?), I feel human relations are very important. We've got to use different approach towards different people, in order to get what we want. Unscrupulous? Maybe..but isn't how this world works? Some are tools, some are friends. Never put in too much feelings, never expect too much. 'Cos eventually, the one hurt will be myself. So I'll just do my part to the best I can.

-ping'er-

Happy birthday my homeland! Time flies, yet many things can happen within a short while. The progression between me and him have accelerated so fast, that I feel it's rather ridiculous. We barely have known each other for a month! I guess chemistry does play a major part. We feel comfortable with each other's accompany, so much so that we couldn't bear to leave for home. The feeling isn't like an infatuation, nor a fling. The feeling is cosy, loving and wonderful.. *dreamy*
Went out with Candy, Ju, Don and him. Somehow we are always shy when others are around. Perhaps it's 'cos our relationship is unofficial, and that he already has an official one, so we need to keep everything low. Ju knows, and has been teasing us always. For Don, I know he's suspecting, but he's giving us the benefit of the doubt. Well Candy told him not to bother, afterall it's our personal matter. But I guess sooner or later, people will know about us. Many times I felt upset, for it's really hard on him - torn between his day job, AM, W and me. So lack of rest every night - 2-3hrs! I'm so worried about him, he's no superman, for God's sake! And his frequent headaches, he's having them way too frequently! *argh* Wish I could do something to help. Candy told me last night what I could do is to return to AM and help him with his activities. But I can't, and wouldn't want to return. Not letting history repeat itself. Well heard also that he has a cousin who is interested in joining AM, but he didn't allow. He's afraid all the teasing between me and him may reach his cousin's ears, and eventually W's. *Sigh* Pains me, 'cos all he's doing, he thinks for me. And it's really putting him in a very, very difficult fix. I just want to tell him that, never let things between us jeopardize his progression in AM. Work must always take priority! I want my man to be career-minded, and not let anything make him lose his focus! *Argh* I want to help him! Tell me how, please! He's so willing to sacrifice for me, I'm very grateful and touched. I'm at a loss of words to express how I feel now.
I keep conditioning myself, not letting the selfish side of me get the better of me. Love is unconditional, I don't want to be the one whose always taking, 'cos that's how I'm feeling. I feel he's giving so much more than me, and asking none in return.. I can sense his sincerity, and love for me. I just want to tell him how appreciated I am, though I know no matter how many times I say, it won't be enough to express my entire feeling. Thank you, my dear..

-ping'er-

All's been rather well in my life. But sadly, Calicia and Grace are leaving. My great friends at work, now I've only myself to fend for, no more protection from them against Bird and Bug. *haha* I've to grow up now and have the sense of urgency, can't be Snail Chua anymore. That's life in the coporate world I guess. Will learn to adapt!
God's been kind to me, I guess. After all the craps I was made to go through, finally something blissful! Got to know him, somehow we are drawn together on our own. Don't know if I'm doing the right thing. To follow my heart, or to follow my mind? It's been quite a while since I felt this way. Ever since the major matter, I lost faith in starting a new relationship. I even have thoughts that I'll be left on the shelves, or even become a lesbian.. *haha* Honestly deep down, I fear. Bug once said having FAITH doesn't mean we have no fear. We still have fear, but we are willing to face the fear. Right now I can't hope for more, must learn to cherish what I have. I know we may not be together after all. But I'm grateful, 'cos he taught me how to love again, how not to fear and to have faith again. Perhaps he's the one for me, I don't know. Nothing's perfect, nice guys don't come by often. And many times, they are taken. Well, he's a nice guy, and he's taken. My point proven. My heart sours whenever I think about the two of us. But I keep telling myself I can't be so selfish, must think for him. He's in a fix too, plus he's got his work to worry about. I can't add burden on him. Instead I should share his load. The best I can do is to make him feel happy, like the way he makes me feel.
He sent me a song today - She Believes (In Me) - by Ronan Keating. I was touched somehow. It seems to me he's the one singing the song, to his girl. It doesn't matter if his girl is W or me. But many times the selfish side of me emerges, asking if all he's doing is fair to me. 'Cos eventually I may not be the one for him. It pains me. Perhaps things are meant to be, that he brought me out of my cave to see the light, and taught me the beauty of life, of love. I'm learning to appreciate things and people in my life better. It feels great to love.
No matter what things may turn out to me, I'll want to stay by his side, to share his pain and joy, like how he stays by my side and withstand all my nonsense. Felt bad many times when Candy told me how hurt he was due to my childish and inconsiderate acts. No matter what it may be, I have faith and I believe in him. I've fallen for him...

-ping'er-

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

Aphrodite/Eros

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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It's a Saturday, and I spent it working. Feeling tired. Of everything happening to me. Went for dinner with Calicia and Victor. Then bought takopachi for Richard, and passed it to him. Heard from him HE was at the office, together with his gal. It's his 22nd birthday today. People there are celebrating for him. Somehow, I felt a sting in my eyes. Tears almost well up, but I controlled. I wonder - why are things so blissful for him? What the hell am I doing now? Does he even know? All the things I went through. I hate this feeling, totally. The pain in me, the grudge in me. How can I let it all go?
Thought I found a chance to get over everything and start anew. Then one blow hit hard on me. All along he treated me like how he treated Candy - a sister. Told myself not to follow my heart, told myself to be rational. Look what I got myself into, a big ugly mess. I dread it. Hurt him, hurt myself. Told him not to be so nice to me, that I'm not worth it. I just want to stay away and left matters cool off and quieten down. I want to control my feelings, stay rational. The only way is to stay a distance away from him and occupy myself with other matters.
Been thinking, I must be totally dumb. There'll be no outcome. We'll only be friends.

-ping'er-

-Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love to
take care of the one you love, and generally
you can be a bit overprotective and possessive,
but you know, that isn't always such a bad
thing. At least you'll be a good mom in the
future.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and
magical.

What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

LOVING ONE. You need  safety in your relationship.
You want to  be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy.

 ~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~

Working late at the office today. Next week's the Robert Allen Event. Feel so exhausted, yet peaceful now. 'Cos I'm now listening to Enya CD and the Bug and Bird is not around. We do our things without any yakking nor interruption. How nice!
Went for dinner with him just now. Somehow I've doubts of myself and things happening in my life. It seems as if there's two personalities in me, but I guess it's only a debate between my mind and heart. I'm feeling a way, being irrational most of the time, but my mind is opposing it, telling me to be rational. I'm simply stuck! I hate feeling this way, but I just couldn't help it. It just happened and hit hard on me, making me hard to avoid.
His words lingered in my mind. I simply can't understand, simply can't accept it. "The one you are together with may not be the one you truely love", "The one you really love doesn't need to be together. You may just remain as friends" - what exactly does it mean? Why be together when he/she isn't the one you truely love? No logic to me. For the status, or is it that it's been too long and has become a norm? That they have become part of each other's lives that they wouldn't want any changes? Matters of the heart are always the hardest to solve, yet the easiest to develop.
The way he's making me feel is wonderful, can really make me go head over heels and be on cloud nine.. But I'm constantly telling myself that he's treating me only as a good friend, or even a sister, to make myself feel beta. I'm just a great gal pal to him, likewise to many other people I know. I feel tired. Maybe I'm expecting something to happen, and disappointment pops in. This feeling sucks, I really hate it. Sometimes I just want to disappear away from here, and be alone. I didn't dare to take any further steps, 'cos I know I'll surely hurt myself and things will go back to square one. Worse, I may lose a friend - a status least I could hope for. I wouldn't want history to repeat itself.
Exhausted, from my busy schedule, or of living? I don't know. Wishing that I can have the kind of mindset of not getting too emotional. *ARGH*
Sleepy, I'm hibernating..

-ping'er-

Two blogs in a day. Guess I've a lot in mind today. Been wondering - always been, ever since the day I was all by myself. Why is it that in AM, some couples can work so well, compromise so much and stay together despite the drastic changes? All along I've always thought this is it, that we are for each other and live happily ever after. Until he stepped into AM. I tried to adapt and learn, compromised, despite knowing that I dislike changes. I stayed true to him, with only him in my heart, giving him all the trust I could give. Made sacrifices, turned against will of my loved ones, gave up my studies, neglected my friends and family, just to be with him. I'm not saying I'm noble or anything like that. But I feel unjust. I want to let go of this feeling, this grudge, this HATRED! It's tormenting me. Give me reasons, regain my trust and faith. Someone out there who is able to read this, please help me. Give me HOPE, let me believe that there is still HOPE!
Perhaps I never thought this day would ever come for me, that's why I feel this way, view life this way. He gave me hope, but callously took it away from me too. Just 'cos he want to fight for what he wanted, what he really wanted. Why is it that he can't feel for me? Or spared a thought for me? I hated him, but after a while, I gave up. I just couldn't bring myself to do that for long. It's too tiring. I love to love. I hate to hate. But the world doesn't fill with love everywhere. It's a dog eat dog world. Count myself unlucky, to have to feel so much. I'm learning to be more rational and not let my emotions take control of me. Always thinking before taking any actions. In the end, I just want to feel appreciated and loved, really. Well, I don't need a lot of people to treat me nice. Just a few true souls will make me feel good. There are times I feel so lonely, that even Candy can't ease the terrible feeling. I know she's busy with her work, can't spend much time with me. I always try to be there for her, even if it's just an SMS away, in hope that she can appreciate and do the same for me too. I try to put myself in  others shoes and think for them, 'cos that's what I want them to think for me too. But humans are selfish. Who would want to help and love others unconditionally? Only parents and our loved ones. We all depend on one another, perhaps that's why we are nice to one another.
Well I guess nobody wants to be with a negetive person, so I'm always smiling. I believe that if you make youself behave happily, you'll feel happy also. It's a way to trick your mind. I sometimes disgust myself though, for having such negative and depressing thoughts. And I wonder why. Was it that I was forced to grow up and to cope with so many things in a short time? I must admit I had a blissful childhood, with nothing much to worry about. Innocent some would say. But is that why all there are happening to me? God gave me all these lessons to learn all in a shot, 'cos I missed out too much? But did He ever think that I can't cope it one day and simply end it all? Life is but a joke I feel. We are all puppets and FATE controls us. Is this all fair? I don't know, but I wonder..
 
-ping'er-

What a day.. Had lots of thoughts and feelings. Been pondering for almost every moment. Pondering too much can be poisoning, that is if I'm pondering over the wrong things, which is what I've been doing these few days. Wondering why.. Got to know a few new friends, through Candy. Again. Well they are a bunch of nice chaps, as usual. Probably 'cos I'm more used to these kind of people - from AM. Somehow, they are young, capable, energetic, have a mind of their own. The saying's right - women who have been networking won't settle for anything lesser. That's me, I guess. Don't know if that's a good or bad news.
Had a chat with him this morning after having him send me home from movie Brotherhood, it was a nice feeling. It's strange that I wanted to tell him so much, everything. All my pain, all the sh** I've been through. I mean, I knew him for barely a week only, but I can feel the bond there. Rather amazing. Ever since the first time we met and chatted. Perhaps Candy told me abit about him, or perhaps not? I don't know. Well, a really nice and sweet guy I must say. I'm grateful he came into my life and became my friend at least. Giving me assurance that there ARE truely nice guys out there. Well I've always feel that guys are nice 'cos they've a motive - either they need a favour, want a good looking gal friend or they are interested in you. It's just me I know, being skeptical towards guys. Perhaps I should learn to let go of that grudge and start loving and trusting people again.
Was it 'cos of that, once bitten, twice shy? Who can make me love again? I'm terrified of the outcome, of getting hurt all over again. I tried to be strong, conditioning myself to perform at my best. Been treating people around well and letting them know I cherish them, 'cos that was what I didn't do in the past. Neglected them. Or is it that I just want to feel important to them, that I want them to feel the same way as I do? I guess I want a sense of belonging. Just one special person, who will really cherish me, protect me, take care of me. Of course love me and everything about me. Wonder when that will happen. I guess that guy will have to try very hard to break my emotional barrier, and prove me wrong. Awaiting I will be..
 
-ping'er-

Finally! After so so long my beloved computer is fixed! Great thanks to my com-savvy friends! *haha* Once again I can make use of my broadband! Woke up today, feeling different. One event just ended yesterday. Tired but fulfilling. Learnt so many things. Really appreciate the management to give me a great role to play at this event - I'm in charge of the ticketing. Customer service, answering phone calls and many other stuff regarding tickets, all under my responsibility! Well I'm rather surprised that they gave me such an important role to play. It felt great! I feel like settling down now, perhaps because I got the feeling that I'll grow in this line? Well it did make me grow, intellectually and spiritually.
I really like the environment, though I won't have much time for myself, friends and family - those long working hours - but I feel I've found meaning of LIFE. I know I'll learn alot here, get to experience working indoor and outdoor. The people there really take care of me. Also, what's most important is, the environment is very positive! Imagine all those world-class gurus I'll be meeting! The thought of it excites me!
Well I really have to thank Candy for all these. Imagine if she had not asked them on the fateful day, none of these would have become reality. It's all fated I guess. Lost something really precious and dear to me, but gained many wonderful and memoriable experiences in return. Although it still hurts every now and then, although it still brings tears to my eyes whenever I recall, I can see HOPE in life. That there'll truely be light at the end of the tunnel. I'll prove that I'm not weak after all, although I may seem so. What LIFE? To me, it's doing what makes me feel fulfilling, knowing that I'm GIVING my best and COMMITTING to it. That's my key to HAPPINESS. Never again will I settle for Pepsi, 'cos I've tasted Coke. Never will I settle for any second best just to make myself feel better. Never want to fall into the comfort zone. I'm not expecting so much now, it's tiring. Not looking for LOVE. I've come to realise that the more you want something to happen, the more it won't. Because you're expecting! And you'll feel disappointed when the outcome isn't what you expected. LOVE is an unpredicted thing, comes and goes whenever it likes. I want to build up my career, now that I've found what I enjoy doing ('though it can be real stressful at times). I've so many people there I can look up upon, to learn from. I want to be just as capable and successful as they are. I want to write a great story for myself. A story I can recall, I can be proud of. It starts NOW.

"You got to BE before you can DO. You got to DO before you can HAVE" - John Foppe. Commit yourself, not just anyhow, but WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

-ping'er-

Working now! It feels great to have a job! especially when the environment is pleasant and positive. At least the matters when we deal with help others to be positive, in a way to make matters work, we've to be optimistic too! (I'm crapping *haha*) Well my life is more meaningly and fruitful now. My weekly schedule is always fully packed! I'm not wasting my time away like before, at least I've a job to keep myself busy. During off days or after work I'll meet up with my friends, Candy mostly. We get the pleasure of WINDOW SHOPPING, literally, after our previews after work, 'cos all the boutiques are closed for the day by the we knock off. So we go supper instead! Have been eating til my tummy's coming out.. *gee* Although I hardly get sufficient sleep, I'm happy and energized when I'm outside (excluding the time when I've to face the monitor and do data editing). 'Cos I'm not lazing around.. I know I'll have stories to tell when I'm older. I want to play hard now, really, while I'm still young and have the energy. Well I know I'm not working as hard as I play. I guess I'm just not committed to something stable yet. Not even thinking of getting a boyfriend. I think I'm too playful now, don't really want to settle down. Well maybe I will when I meet the ONE. *hee* Just enjoy the company of my friends now, old and new. I never knew that singlehood can be so fun! No need to commit to anything, so much freedom! *haha* Maybe I've been deprived of this feeling for too long liao.. Or is it that I've never dared to step out of my comfort zone, out of my girl-next-door, nice sweetie, all the while. Never knew I could do so much. I guess I would want to enjoy this lifestyle for some time now..

-ping'er-

You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Heart of Gold


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wow! Haven't updated my blog for almost a month! Just return from Thailand trip. It was an enjoyable one - went to Hatyai and Phi Phi island (my dream place!!). It was a great experience! Pity we didn't have enough time, all was so rushing. How I wish I could stay longer. How I wished I won't have to come back, to this place. For some reasons, I'm not happy, as usual. I just want to escape from everything, everyone. I have not moved on. WHY?!? Feel so FUCKED UP. All this shit happening to me. What a bloody great test from God.
I feel depressed, wonder if I'm suffering from depression. I'm always hiding my feelings, keeping things to myself. There's so many things running in my mind, don't know how to put in words. Perhaps it has become a habit of not confiding. I know there are many people out there who really care for me, feel for me even. But what's the point when I can't even find the drive to help myself, love myself. Life is so meaningless. I feel my whole world is crashing down. Sometimes I just to cry hard and let it all out. It feels so terrible. But no tears. So tired of living. Out of job, failed relationship, family members living their own lives. I feel so lonely, so empty. So much so that I wanted someone in my life. A substitute. Well it was unfair for him of course. Made him felt for me then realise he's not the ONE. He's trying so hard, but I can't fool my feelings. Something is still missing. Somehow I just want a companion, a great pal. Not a partner. I'm so afraid to fall in love, so afraid of commitment. All this FEAR is going to kill me one day if I don't do anything to it.
Well apparently I know I'm a selfish BITCH who played with his feelings. I tried giving it a try with him, but something just isn't right. I don't feel excited nor entusiastic when he sms me. Well it did when we just got to know each other. But when we got together, I just want to avoid him. I feel tied down, no freedom. All this is so shitty! I'm such a BITCH! It could have been a wonderful friendship, but look what I did. Now I don't even know if we still can be friends if we are not together. I've hurt him deeply I know. He's so innocent, to have to go through all this shit again. Such a wonderful guy, someone one can depend on. Kept asking me to give ourselves a chance to work things out. I tried. But whenever I see, talk to him, I feel I'm putting up an act. It's just isn't me. He would have been the perfect guy for me if it were 3 years back. I simply don't feel the excitement nor anticipation to want to talk to him! It's just someone else. Its amazing how this guy can make me feel. Too bad, he likes someone else. I'm just another good gal pal to him.
To love is a wonderful thing, but only when your love is reciprocated. To be loved is a bliss, but only when you feel the same way for him too. It takes both hands to clap. I guess I just don't have the guts to clap real hard.

You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

Well I guess I've been real harsh toward my friend. Maybe I'm taking him for granted. Wonder why he's so nice to me. He's doing so much more as a friend for me! Am I worth to go so far out? I doubt so.. Wondering.

*yawn* Morning shift today. ZzZ monster is catching up on me. Reached home at 3 plus this morning, slept at 4am and got up at 5.10am! I'll be a walking zombie today.. Got yakking by mum, as usual. *haha* Went out with Candy and friend Terry. Was planning to head home after dinner at 9 plus till we walked past K-Box at suntec. So we decided to go sing for A WHILE. Ended up we sang till the shop close! *haha*
I've been to ktv several times with AM people, but I never sang. *shy shy* Well I had a lousy experience years back. Went to sing with my friends then and sang Right Here Waiting, ended up I sounded like a duck! Ever since then I dare not sing into a microphone..
Last night went there and sang my heart out! Felt great! Didn't know my singing improved so much.. *haha* Sang songs by Sammi, Sammi and MORE Sammi! My voice suit her tunes too! Sang many other songs too (more than 5hrs of singing, how many songs are there? *hee*).
Well I really enjoyed myself. Guess K-Box will soon become one of my addictions coming near to shopping! *haha* Its also a way to make and get to know more new friends. My friend's friend, his friend's friend, her friend's friend..

Went to watch Along Came Polly last night, greatly recommended by Candy who watched in Thailand. In the end she watched with us again. *haha* But throughout the whole show she was hitting her hp keypad non-stop! Busy girl. Well the show wasn't really any spectacular, probably 'cos I've anticipated what was going to happen next in the plot (thanks to dear Candy!), until the last few minutes when Reuben's dad opened his mouth and spoke for the first and last time in the entire flick, and the part where Reuben went after Polly. Made me realise. So HIT! Many things I thought I've let go, still remained all along. I thought I was so incredible, till I realise I've always been avoiding the truth. These few years, I've gradually lost myself. I must find myself back and enjoy life. My mood feel so much lighter now as I'm writing this blog. It's a whole new enlightenment! Pain, yes, I still feel painful. But I'm not going to keep thinking about it. It won't change anything either. I'm going to MOVE ON and experience every single bit of LIFE! Meet more people, open up myself to the new things. Don't want to be the SUAKU anymore. Don't want to let people feel I'm WEAK and always need to depend on others anymore. I may be tiny, but I will not be the weak one. I'll be stronger than ever, and let everyone regret what they've said about me. Easier said than done, for I've been in this comfort zone for too long. But not impossible. I want a whole lot more in my life which I can talk about in future. A path few want to tread upon. Hopefully I can be like Polly. *hee* Get to experience so much about the world.

Well I guess I can't fool myself. I don't want anyone. No one else except him.. I was smsing Maeve and she told me loads more stuff. Made me realise again. There's so many other people around me who are going through situations worse than me. What's mine compared to theirs? They still can be magnanimous about it. I believe I can too. I'm committing myself to something I may never know what the outcome is. But I'm willing. 'Cos with no risk, I may never know how far I can go, even if it takes to waste my time away. God - I'm giving myself HOPE and COURAGE to go on walking, even if it's the wrong path. I BELIEVE you've eyes to see what's going on down here from up there, and I BELIEVE you'll give me what I deserve eventually. Being the woman behind a successful man is never an easy task. But I'm willing to take the risk and take on the task.

Well I guess I'm a utter stubborn girl who doesn't believe that the truth is out. Kept making myself believe there's hope between us. It over. So so over. I'm already the past. It pains me so much. But truth always hurts. I'm just stupid enough to keep hanging on to it. It always so much luckier to be loved than to love. But many prefer to love, 'cos that's what they want. Or it that not?

Went out with my friend, sis and her bf on V-day. He got me a watch. $129. So expensive! I shouldn't have let him get it for me. What does this mean? I wonder. I mean, friends go out at most give a treat with a small gift normally. But such an expensive watch? He's not a money printer eh! He insisted in getting it for me, so I obliged. Did I do the right thing? I wonder.
He's really a nice guy. My whole family likes him. They are all asking why not consider him. To me, he's a wonderful guy. He was always there for me when I was at my worst moments of my life. Always trying to cheer me up, make me feel better. I did thought of considering him. But I guess he's too good for me. Especially at this point of time, the more I can't. I don't know what I really want. I'm afraid I'll treat him like a substitute. Or is it that I'm just too afraid? Keep saying we've no sparks. I just don't want to have any. Too afraid of the outcome, whether good or bad. Perhaps I'm just too gutless to go through all this all over again. FEAR. That's the thing that's been haunting me all my life. I guess it'll be till the day I lay in that box. Somebody please give me some courage to stand up and walk again.
Zhihong, Maeve and Candy others kept telling me someone will surely cherish me better. My cousins and aunts told me if I don't let go, that someone will never appear, nor have the chance to. My family told me Joe's not suitable for me. So many have said it. Yet I choose not to listen. I know it's all the truth. But I'm too afraid to believe. I'm afraid to do anyone wrong - to do him wrong.
Perhaps I'm didn't dare to give myself another chance. All that trauma almost killed me. Or was it I didn't even want to give him a chance to prove himself worthy? Hadn't he proved enough?
In the past whenever he asked me out I'll gladly agree. We are great friends, so we go out. But now something made me hesitate. I'm afraid of the matters of the heart. I just refuse to let things happen! Even if it's a good one. Sometimes I simply hate myself for being so wishy washy. Argh. Just too afraid things get complicated and may turn out ugly. But what if it turns out well? I'm perplexed...

I feel so perplexed now.
So much thought in my head. My head is spinning.. Candy came back yesterday. She looked so different from before she left for Thailand! Well, she's in the same boat as me now, only that she's in a worse situation. But look at her now! So jovial, no one would have guess what had happened to her. This trip really changed her. She told me so much things, made me realised. I MUST MOVE ON. Not easy of course. Have to learn. Perhaps disappearing from here for a while is not a bad idea. Can open my mind and see things more clearly.
I'm now just too overwhelmed by the damn situation I'm in! I'm now planning. Planning to get away from here without letting others know, including my family. Well maybe I'll tell a few close friends. Definitely I won't go alone. Not that daring. I'll be going with Candy I guess..who knows. No actual plans yet. But I'm saving up.
Too many things happened these few months. It's like I'm being forced to grow up in a a short period of time. So many questions unanswered. Changes proved too much for me, but not impossible for me. I just have to take things easy and move on.

I may seem to be fighting a winning battle, but one ultimate shot from the oppenent and I'll be gone. God is not standing on my side this time. Maybe I'm only the second person who was kind enough to cover his body with my robes. How I wish I'm the one who buried him. Life is so unpredictable. Life is full of lessons awaiting us to learn, Zhihong said. This should be a tremendous and painstaking lesson I'm making myself learn. Still I can't help but ponder. Some can get want they want so effortlessly, yet some can fight with all their might and not get what they yearn for. Just a simple little desire. Well, life is never fair. Face it.

Also known widely as the Fire Bird, the phoenix is a profound symbol of life and rebirth. It has a life cycle of 500 to 600 years and after that amount of time, it sets itself on fire and dies in the flames. Then, after three days, it rises again from the ashes. It is a completely benign creature who lives in dew. It is said that the phoenix has a beautiful melodious song which grows ever more mournful as its life comes to an end. It is also a symbol of the sun and immortality.

What mythical beast best represents you?Take the quiz!

Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.

Night shift today. Having very complex feelings now. I wonder why I just have to mess things up. I just have to resent and not be contented with my life. WHY? I really hate myself! Joe is changing, very very slowly, to suit me. Why is it that I have to expect much much more everytime? Why can't I be thankful and appreciate what I already have?
I'm so easily affected negatively. One negative opinion from others and I'll start doubting him. Why can't I just be firm and stand on his side? A few days ago he popped the question. He asked me to go ROM together on my birthday (my 21st birthday). I was surprised, thought he was only joking. I didn't want. Perhaps I wasn't sure of myself, of the relationship yet. How dumb of me! I should have thought, guys don't say such stuff as and when they like! This is a major decision! Now I blew everything up. I don't even know what relationship we are having now. Friends or couple? So questionable.. Me and my stupid weak mind! Feel like killing myself! Love him yet want to ditch him. I'm so ironic! Hate myself! Somebody help me! I really want him back..can anyone help me? Don't want to end this whole thing due to my childish acts..

Yeah yeah, I'm on night shift again. Feel so sleepy! Keep dozing off. *gee* Tomorrow will be Chinese New Year eve, I'll be going for reunion dinner at my uncle's place, as usual. But this year is a bit different - I'll be having activity after the dinner! Zhimin's group will be going to the Chun Dao He Pan at Marina! I've heard of it but never been there. Tomorrow will be my first time! So excited! *hee*
For this year's Chinese New Year, I spent a bomb on my clothes. About $150 for myself. That's the time I spent so much in my life till now. But I love the clothes I bought. Its a totally different sense of fashion I used to have. Now my wardrobe is exploding! *haha* There's also one good thing about this year. That is I can share my wardrobe with my sister! Meaning to say that I'll have MORE clothes to wear! *hee*
We went shopping last weekend at Orchard. That was the first time we went shopping together. Finally I've a shopping partner! Tho' I'm not an avid shopaholic. At the end of the 7hr shopping spree, both of us were dead beat. My legs would give way anytime then! Not forgetting that we took a photo card together! It was very nice! Now it's in my wallet. ^_^
Well I can tell that my cute little sister is slowly growing up (ie. I'm getting old. *argh*). We had the same frequency and we chatted non-stop! Anything under the sun can be our topic. Apparently its either she's precotious or I'm too kiddish, making us click so well. We are 7yrs difference in age! Amazing, yeah? We'd looked like twins if we were to dress identically. *haha* We are of the same height, about the same size. Really glad to have a sister like her.

-ping'er-

I'm working now, night shift. I'm so so sleepy! Dozed off a few times. Well I slept for only about 8 hours, so energy is running low. *hee* Last night just as I was preparing to turn in, he called. It was about 3+am. Then he asked to come over to my place and stay. I agreed. I waited for him. I guess I was tired of waiting and dozed off. He gave me 5 missed calls! He was already outside my door. *haha* Well apparently he simply concussed upon reaching my mattress. Nowadays he has a tendency to snore! He didn't snore in the past. I read snoring can indicate that one has illness and isn't healthy. Is his body weakening or is he just plain tired? I hope it's the latter.
This morning when I got up, he was still sleeping like Mr Piggy. He said he hadn't slept for 2 nights! How terrible can he get? He got a lecture from me eventually. He almost slept through the whole afternoon. I waited for him for nearly 2 hours! I was so fed up of waking him up that I went off myself. Eventually we met up at Northpoint. We went shopping for my sticker album. I got a NEMO sticker album, which came with some NEMO stickers. I brought some cute powerpuff girls stickers, which I simply couldn't resist, a few nights ago while shopping with my mum at the Fairprice. I stuck one BUBBLES in pyjamus, hugging a octopus doll, behind my handphone case. *cute cute* He stuck the OCTOPUS DOLL behind his too. *hee* Anyway, we ate at Yoshinoya after that. Then we went around the central to look for a hair salon to get his hair cut. There were so many salons that we couldn't make up our minds which to go! We held hands, and the feeling was great. Although we were not doing anything constructive, I was still feeling blithed. Can't explain the feelings in words. ^_^
He met up with Jerhyn after his haircut, while I went to get my food to bring to work. Then I went to say hi to Jerhyn, sat with them at Delifrance for a while and went for work.
I've a feeling that we are getting back into the relationship again slowly. I feel this relationship has matured, and gone to another stage. There wasn't as much strain felt as before. It felt wonderful.
Perhaps we have to really go through some 'hardship' or 'trauma' before we can really appreciate each other. I'm learning to appreciate him and giving in to him, not throwing tantrums unnecessarily and also understand him and his career needs. And he, I can sense that he appreciates me too. He tells me he loves me every now and then, and the smile is back on the face again whenever he sees me. It feels wonderful. Very wonderful. I hope this will last FOREVER.

-ping'er-

It's me again. I'm working night shift tomorrow so I can afford to turn in later tonight. Well I went to read his blog again. It hasn't been updated since last March. Memories flashed through my mind as I was reading it. Wonderful and painful ones.
According to the current situation now, we are back together. Again. I wonder if he'll stick to his decision this time. I guess if he doesn't I'll be able to cope with the situation better than before. It happened not once, but twice. Or thrice? I can't recall. Everytime he regrets his choice, he'll make me go to KAWAII and cry my heart out. Hate him yet love him. Feels horrible.
But somehow, I've a feeling that this time he might just be sticking to his choice for good. (I really HOPE it is so!) He treats me rather differently compared to the previous times. When we go out, he reaches for my hand, holds my hand or brings me close to him as we walked down the streets. He talks and shares with me about what happens to him more willingly and eagerly too. He hasn't done that for a LONG time, ever since he become busy with work. He is behaving like the old times - caring, sensitve my feeling, teased me, SYMPATHIZING, etc. The wonderful feelings are returning.
But I'm trying to protect myself now, trying not to give my all at once. 'Cos if anything happens, I know I'll be terribly hurt again. Once bitten, twice shy. I just want to be careful and tread slowly. I like the current situation I'm in now. I don't expect much and we have a life of our own. I hang out more with my friends, and also am making more friends. I don't want him to be the centre of my life. It shouldn't be the case anyway. I'll in turn be restricting him from having his own space. In the past, he was the centre of my life. I neglected my friends. In my life, there was him and only him. Maybe that was why he felt suffocating and sick of the whole relationship.
Now, I'm also trying to gain back the trust I used to have in him. That everytime when he's with a girl, I know they are only friends. Nothing more. That I can just easily chat along with his gal friends and not have any defensiveness nor jealousy. I'm really working hard on this point. I WANT TO TRUST HIM ALL OVER AGAIN. 'Cos I know my love for him is beyond what words can describe. So much so that even if we are not a couple anymore, I'll still care for him. (But of cos it'll be the best we stay mushily in love! *hee*) I hope he feels the same for me too. "Please tell me you feel the same way for me too!"

-ping'er-

I'm now working, morning shift! Busy! Now taking a breather after my break. There was a long queue waiting to be registered when I return from my break just now. Now it quieter, thus I'm able to write my blog.
I had a wierd dream yesterday morning. Again. (Don't ask me why my brain is so so ACTIVE when I'm asleep!) I dreamt I was with Cordelia, SDM Ryan Soon's wife. (I was with Joe the previous night, and he was building bond with her. Perhaps that's why she's in my dreams. *hee*) She's in her 7th month of labour now (it's a girl!). In the dreams she was having an argument with a man (not Ryan, thank god!) and she was so mad that she gave the man a flying kick! It's so funny when I recall the scene. I wonder how she did that stunt. *haha* Unfortunately, she didn't make a firm stand, and landed on her butt. *ouch* Then she started bleeding and we got worried. The man simply walked off and Cordelia and I went to KKH asap. I told her where to head towards to - the Delivery Suite at Level 2 of the building - 'cos I work at the KKH's W24HW. But the wierd thing is, when we reach Level 2, I can't seem to find the place! I went around asking and Cordelia followed me in agony. I was beginning to get panicky and frustrated. Suddenly Level 2 became so big, like a maze and I'm the rat inside. Nobody seemed to know where the DS is. *argh* Finally Cordelia managed to ask someone and we finally go to the DS. Upon reaching there, the place is yet another maze! With flights of stairs everywhere and nurses scrambling around. I was almost going to break down, 'cos I couldn't understand what the sign boards meant even! THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF. Time for work.

-ping'er-

*sigh* I'm slugging at home on my off day. Not the right thing to do! If only someone could ask me out, I'm too lazy and sick of asking people out. Phobic in fact. Actually I was hoping ANOTHER would ask me out one day, it's always me who took the initiative. For a meal or movie.. But i guess he's very busy. So busy that he hardly has time to sleep! I often wonder how people like him can TAHAN with just a few hours of sleep. Well I tried that before, but really couldn't take it after a month. My brain wouldn't operate properly! I was no better than a walking zombie. *haha*
Anyway I've come to figure out that perhaps ANOTHER (I think I'll call him KAWAII instead, ANOTHER sound so crude! *gee*) just treats me like a very close gal friend, who can chat rather well with him. For some reasons, I'm fond of him, but I don't really want to POSSESS him. (Although I do get an itsy bitsy jealous when other girls talk to him.. *oops* wrong attitude! Must change!) I enjoy talking to him, lightens my mood everytime. Perhaps it's his undoubtfully sincere smile. Always never fails to make me smile too! Well, what I hope for him now is that he's happy in what he's doing and who he's with. If he's happy, I'm happy. He'll always be my best buddy who'll always lend me his listening ear. One thing's for sure, if ever one day he needs me, I'll definitely be there for him. 'Cos he was once there for me when I was feeling the worst. He gave me hope. Thank you KAWAII, for everything.

-ping'er-

I had a wierd dream this morning, during my wink at break time. I dreamt that a guy friend of mine (I call him the GENTLE GIANT *hee*) came and fetch me after my work for dinner. We walked to his car. It was drizzling. The sky was dark and gloomy. We shared a small umbrella, and he stretched his big left arm, wrapped around me and drew me closer to him. It felt warm and cosy, I didn't push him away even though the feeling wasn't right. I like the feeling of being cuddled. I feel so protected. Then his left hand tried to reach for mine (my arms were folded), but I avoided. We finally reached his car and I went in. THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF. *sigh*
What does all this mean? I heard dreams often indicate signs of how we feel and think innerly. How true, I don't know. Anyway in reality, this gentle giant of mine doesn't own a car, even though I know he'd love to (who wouldn't?). He has what most girls wish for in a guy - gentlemanly, caring, sensitive, will to lend a listening ear, etc. He does show some interest in me (or is he just looking for a gf? I don't know), but he's not really the type I'll be attracted to. I would have fallen for him if not for his shyness, lack of enthusiasm and BIG dreams in life. I like guys with big dreams, who want to create a great world of their own, and share it with their loved ones. But I figure out that to have big dreams, they would have to forgo the soft side of themselves, which HURT people around them. DEEPLY.
I feel so troubled. 'Cos when I've problems, I won't want to turn to him. I'll tell ANOTHER instead. I'm falling for ANOTHER, someone who has big dreams too, and still able to show care and concern about my life (as a friend or even more? I don't know, he didn't make it clear). I didn't need him as much anymore. My life wasn't revolving around him anymore. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. In the past, I would tell him my thoughts and feelings, and he would sympathize with me, making me feel so much better. That I know I've someone to share my load with, and I'm always willing to share his and be there for him. But that was then. He's too busy for me now. We can go without contact at all for days. I don't know if it's that he feels I'm INDEPENDENT enough or he didn't care at all. Maybe he found someone else.
I learn to adapt and accept his change. I conformed to him, in hope that he'll shower me with attention and TLC, even for that little bit. That's what I'll do, 'cos I really loved him. He kept trying to change me, to a TOTALLY different person. Till I couldn't even recognise myself. My friends shunned me, my family didn't even feel like talking to me. It felt horrible. I was emotionally drained. EMPTY. I lost naiveness, my smile, MYSELF.
I guess I couldn't meet up with his expectations, nor keep up with his constant changes. He left me. My whole world collapsed. The details, I'll reveil another time, 'cos that's another great chapter in my life, yet. I shall stop here now.

-ping'er-

I've heard of blogger a long time ago, last year in January to be exact. Joe told me about it, 'cos he had one and I had a view of it. It seems rather interesting - an online diary, and you can choose to make it publicly read or keep it private - but it didn't get me to create one then. Perhaps I was just to rigid to change. Ever so slow to change (sometimes NEVER), ever so behind the trend.
But I didn't know what came over me, to make me want to create one for myself. I was working night shift last night, and was accessing to the computer at my counter. I was browsing through my friend's blogs. I guess she triggered me to have a blog of my own. To me, she's the kind who seems so arrogant and spoilt, didn't think she ever cares about what others think, nor did I ever think she has FEELINGS. But her blog, I got to understand her abit more, that she too is like any normal girl. Perhaps I didn't understand her enough. I didn't try to. Well I've always had this problem that I'm still painstakingly trying to change. I tend to judge others even before knowing them, by how they LOOK. Terrible eh? I know. But aren't many others like me too? *sigh*
Anyway, I hope I can put what I think and feel into words, 'cos keeping them within myself really doesn't feel good. I was almost destroyed. I realise I have to let it all out no matter what. But sometimes I just can't seem to find the right person to confide in. So I hope I can air it all out here instead. That would be a great determination (*haha*), 'cos I'vealways been a very LAZY and UNDETERMINED person. I've always been this way (told you I'm too stubborn to change). BUT I shall challenge myself this time! (Btw, I dislike challenges) Hopefully this blog will go on and on and on and on....

-ping'er-