Your Heart is Red
What Color is Your Heart?
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
Saturday, July 24, 2004
It's a Saturday, and I spent it working. Feeling tired. Of everything happening to me. Went for dinner with Calicia and Victor. Then bought takopachi for Richard, and passed it to him. Heard from him HE was at the office, together with his gal. It's his 22nd birthday today. People there are celebrating for him. Somehow, I felt a sting in my eyes. Tears almost well up, but I controlled. I wonder - why are things so blissful for him? What the hell am I doing now? Does he even know? All the things I went through. I hate this feeling, totally. The pain in me, the grudge in me. How can I let it all go?
Thought I found a chance to get over everything and start anew. Then one blow hit hard on me. All along he treated me like how he treated Candy - a sister. Told myself not to follow my heart, told myself to be rational. Look what I got myself into, a big ugly mess. I dread it. Hurt him, hurt myself. Told him not to be so nice to me, that I'm not worth it. I just want to stay away and left matters cool off and quieten down. I want to control my feelings, stay rational. The only way is to stay a distance away from him and occupy myself with other matters.
Been thinking, I must be totally dumb. There'll be no outcome. We'll only be friends.
-ping'er-
Thought I found a chance to get over everything and start anew. Then one blow hit hard on me. All along he treated me like how he treated Candy - a sister. Told myself not to follow my heart, told myself to be rational. Look what I got myself into, a big ugly mess. I dread it. Hurt him, hurt myself. Told him not to be so nice to me, that I'm not worth it. I just want to stay away and left matters cool off and quieten down. I want to control my feelings, stay rational. The only way is to stay a distance away from him and occupy myself with other matters.
Been thinking, I must be totally dumb. There'll be no outcome. We'll only be friends.
-ping'er-
-Motherly- You're the motherly type. You love to
take care of the one you love, and generally
you can be a bit overprotective and possessive,
but you know, that isn't always such a bad
thing. At least you'll be a good mom in the
future.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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You're Elemant is Wind. You're light-hearted,
care-free, kind, sensative, and mysterious. You
have friends and most absolutely love you. You
can be calm and soothing one minute and ragging
in anger the next so no one wants to get on
your bad side. You're beauty is inspiring and
magical.
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.
What Sign of Affection Are You?
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LOVING ONE. You need safety in your relationship.
You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
Working late at the office today. Next week's the Robert Allen Event. Feel so exhausted, yet peaceful now. 'Cos I'm now listening to Enya CD and the Bug and Bird is not around. We do our things without any yakking nor interruption. How nice!
Went for dinner with him just now. Somehow I've doubts of myself and things happening in my life. It seems as if there's two personalities in me, but I guess it's only a debate between my mind and heart. I'm feeling a way, being irrational most of the time, but my mind is opposing it, telling me to be rational. I'm simply stuck! I hate feeling this way, but I just couldn't help it. It just happened and hit hard on me, making me hard to avoid.
His words lingered in my mind. I simply can't understand, simply can't accept it. "The one you are together with may not be the one you truely love", "The one you really love doesn't need to be together. You may just remain as friends" - what exactly does it mean? Why be together when he/she isn't the one you truely love? No logic to me. For the status, or is it that it's been too long and has become a norm? That they have become part of each other's lives that they wouldn't want any changes? Matters of the heart are always the hardest to solve, yet the easiest to develop.
The way he's making me feel is wonderful, can really make me go head over heels and be on cloud nine.. But I'm constantly telling myself that he's treating me only as a good friend, or even a sister, to make myself feel beta. I'm just a great gal pal to him, likewise to many other people I know. I feel tired. Maybe I'm expecting something to happen, and disappointment pops in. This feeling sucks, I really hate it. Sometimes I just want to disappear away from here, and be alone. I didn't dare to take any further steps, 'cos I know I'll surely hurt myself and things will go back to square one. Worse, I may lose a friend - a status least I could hope for. I wouldn't want history to repeat itself.
Exhausted, from my busy schedule, or of living? I don't know. Wishing that I can have the kind of mindset of not getting too emotional. *ARGH*
Sleepy, I'm hibernating..
-ping'er-
Went for dinner with him just now. Somehow I've doubts of myself and things happening in my life. It seems as if there's two personalities in me, but I guess it's only a debate between my mind and heart. I'm feeling a way, being irrational most of the time, but my mind is opposing it, telling me to be rational. I'm simply stuck! I hate feeling this way, but I just couldn't help it. It just happened and hit hard on me, making me hard to avoid.
His words lingered in my mind. I simply can't understand, simply can't accept it. "The one you are together with may not be the one you truely love", "The one you really love doesn't need to be together. You may just remain as friends" - what exactly does it mean? Why be together when he/she isn't the one you truely love? No logic to me. For the status, or is it that it's been too long and has become a norm? That they have become part of each other's lives that they wouldn't want any changes? Matters of the heart are always the hardest to solve, yet the easiest to develop.
The way he's making me feel is wonderful, can really make me go head over heels and be on cloud nine.. But I'm constantly telling myself that he's treating me only as a good friend, or even a sister, to make myself feel beta. I'm just a great gal pal to him, likewise to many other people I know. I feel tired. Maybe I'm expecting something to happen, and disappointment pops in. This feeling sucks, I really hate it. Sometimes I just want to disappear away from here, and be alone. I didn't dare to take any further steps, 'cos I know I'll surely hurt myself and things will go back to square one. Worse, I may lose a friend - a status least I could hope for. I wouldn't want history to repeat itself.
Exhausted, from my busy schedule, or of living? I don't know. Wishing that I can have the kind of mindset of not getting too emotional. *ARGH*
Sleepy, I'm hibernating..
-ping'er-
Sunday, July 18, 2004
Two blogs in a day. Guess I've a lot in mind today. Been wondering - always been, ever since the day I was all by myself. Why is it that in AM, some couples can work so well, compromise so much and stay together despite the drastic changes? All along I've always thought this is it, that we are for each other and live happily ever after. Until he stepped into AM. I tried to adapt and learn, compromised, despite knowing that I dislike changes. I stayed true to him, with only him in my heart, giving him all the trust I could give. Made sacrifices, turned against will of my loved ones, gave up my studies, neglected my friends and family, just to be with him. I'm not saying I'm noble or anything like that. But I feel unjust. I want to let go of this feeling, this grudge, this HATRED! It's tormenting me. Give me reasons, regain my trust and faith. Someone out there who is able to read this, please help me. Give me HOPE, let me believe that there is still HOPE!
Perhaps I never thought this day would ever come for me, that's why I feel this way, view life this way. He gave me hope, but callously took it away from me too. Just 'cos he want to fight for what he wanted, what he really wanted. Why is it that he can't feel for me? Or spared a thought for me? I hated him, but after a while, I gave up. I just couldn't bring myself to do that for long. It's too tiring. I love to love. I hate to hate. But the world doesn't fill with love everywhere. It's a dog eat dog world. Count myself unlucky, to have to feel so much. I'm learning to be more rational and not let my emotions take control of me. Always thinking before taking any actions. In the end, I just want to feel appreciated and loved, really. Well, I don't need a lot of people to treat me nice. Just a few true souls will make me feel good. There are times I feel so lonely, that even Candy can't ease the terrible feeling. I know she's busy with her work, can't spend much time with me. I always try to be there for her, even if it's just an SMS away, in hope that she can appreciate and do the same for me too. I try to put myself in others shoes and think for them, 'cos that's what I want them to think for me too. But humans are selfish. Who would want to help and love others unconditionally? Only parents and our loved ones. We all depend on one another, perhaps that's why we are nice to one another.
Well I guess nobody wants to be with a negetive person, so I'm always smiling. I believe that if you make youself behave happily, you'll feel happy also. It's a way to trick your mind. I sometimes disgust myself though, for having such negative and depressing thoughts. And I wonder why. Was it that I was forced to grow up and to cope with so many things in a short time? I must admit I had a blissful childhood, with nothing much to worry about. Innocent some would say. But is that why all there are happening to me? God gave me all these lessons to learn all in a shot, 'cos I missed out too much? But did He ever think that I can't cope it one day and simply end it all? Life is but a joke I feel. We are all puppets and FATE controls us. Is this all fair? I don't know, but I wonder..
-ping'er-
Perhaps I never thought this day would ever come for me, that's why I feel this way, view life this way. He gave me hope, but callously took it away from me too. Just 'cos he want to fight for what he wanted, what he really wanted. Why is it that he can't feel for me? Or spared a thought for me? I hated him, but after a while, I gave up. I just couldn't bring myself to do that for long. It's too tiring. I love to love. I hate to hate. But the world doesn't fill with love everywhere. It's a dog eat dog world. Count myself unlucky, to have to feel so much. I'm learning to be more rational and not let my emotions take control of me. Always thinking before taking any actions. In the end, I just want to feel appreciated and loved, really. Well, I don't need a lot of people to treat me nice. Just a few true souls will make me feel good. There are times I feel so lonely, that even Candy can't ease the terrible feeling. I know she's busy with her work, can't spend much time with me. I always try to be there for her, even if it's just an SMS away, in hope that she can appreciate and do the same for me too. I try to put myself in others shoes and think for them, 'cos that's what I want them to think for me too. But humans are selfish. Who would want to help and love others unconditionally? Only parents and our loved ones. We all depend on one another, perhaps that's why we are nice to one another.
Well I guess nobody wants to be with a negetive person, so I'm always smiling. I believe that if you make youself behave happily, you'll feel happy also. It's a way to trick your mind. I sometimes disgust myself though, for having such negative and depressing thoughts. And I wonder why. Was it that I was forced to grow up and to cope with so many things in a short time? I must admit I had a blissful childhood, with nothing much to worry about. Innocent some would say. But is that why all there are happening to me? God gave me all these lessons to learn all in a shot, 'cos I missed out too much? But did He ever think that I can't cope it one day and simply end it all? Life is but a joke I feel. We are all puppets and FATE controls us. Is this all fair? I don't know, but I wonder..
-ping'er-
What a day.. Had lots of thoughts and feelings. Been pondering for almost every moment. Pondering too much can be poisoning, that is if I'm pondering over the wrong things, which is what I've been doing these few days. Wondering why.. Got to know a few new friends, through Candy. Again. Well they are a bunch of nice chaps, as usual. Probably 'cos I'm more used to these kind of people - from AM. Somehow, they are young, capable, energetic, have a mind of their own. The saying's right - women who have been networking won't settle for anything lesser. That's me, I guess. Don't know if that's a good or bad news.
Had a chat with him this morning after having him send me home from movie Brotherhood, it was a nice feeling. It's strange that I wanted to tell him so much, everything. All my pain, all the sh** I've been through. I mean, I knew him for barely a week only, but I can feel the bond there. Rather amazing. Ever since the first time we met and chatted. Perhaps Candy told me abit about him, or perhaps not? I don't know. Well, a really nice and sweet guy I must say. I'm grateful he came into my life and became my friend at least. Giving me assurance that there ARE truely nice guys out there. Well I've always feel that guys are nice 'cos they've a motive - either they need a favour, want a good looking gal friend or they are interested in you. It's just me I know, being skeptical towards guys. Perhaps I should learn to let go of that grudge and start loving and trusting people again.
Was it 'cos of that, once bitten, twice shy? Who can make me love again? I'm terrified of the outcome, of getting hurt all over again. I tried to be strong, conditioning myself to perform at my best. Been treating people around well and letting them know I cherish them, 'cos that was what I didn't do in the past. Neglected them. Or is it that I just want to feel important to them, that I want them to feel the same way as I do? I guess I want a sense of belonging. Just one special person, who will really cherish me, protect me, take care of me. Of course love me and everything about me. Wonder when that will happen. I guess that guy will have to try very hard to break my emotional barrier, and prove me wrong. Awaiting I will be..
-ping'er-
Had a chat with him this morning after having him send me home from movie Brotherhood, it was a nice feeling. It's strange that I wanted to tell him so much, everything. All my pain, all the sh** I've been through. I mean, I knew him for barely a week only, but I can feel the bond there. Rather amazing. Ever since the first time we met and chatted. Perhaps Candy told me abit about him, or perhaps not? I don't know. Well, a really nice and sweet guy I must say. I'm grateful he came into my life and became my friend at least. Giving me assurance that there ARE truely nice guys out there. Well I've always feel that guys are nice 'cos they've a motive - either they need a favour, want a good looking gal friend or they are interested in you. It's just me I know, being skeptical towards guys. Perhaps I should learn to let go of that grudge and start loving and trusting people again.
Was it 'cos of that, once bitten, twice shy? Who can make me love again? I'm terrified of the outcome, of getting hurt all over again. I tried to be strong, conditioning myself to perform at my best. Been treating people around well and letting them know I cherish them, 'cos that was what I didn't do in the past. Neglected them. Or is it that I just want to feel important to them, that I want them to feel the same way as I do? I guess I want a sense of belonging. Just one special person, who will really cherish me, protect me, take care of me. Of course love me and everything about me. Wonder when that will happen. I guess that guy will have to try very hard to break my emotional barrier, and prove me wrong. Awaiting I will be..
-ping'er-
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