Heh. Sorry guys - the long awaited blog is here. Been busy with my work, and also I've been lazy to blog. It's been a month since my last blog ya? Well, many things happened.Wanted to write them down, but I'm either always home late, or the computer's occupied.

Anyway, been feeling temperamental. Again, matters of the heart. I think I'm in a little deeper than I should be. So afraid to let history repeat itself, so afraid to eat my words. It's a test from God ya? You want to test if I've learnt my lesson ya? Can someone teach me to protect myself more? Can someone teach me not to succumb so easily? I tried to stay away, stay clear. But no the situation didn't change. I guess I'm feeling empty inside.. He was there. But I'm telling myself we will just be friends. Good friends. I wouldn't want to anything bad for my karma.

During UPW, we had the board-breaking session. They made us write down on the wooden board what we want to get rid of from life and what we want in life. I wrote I want to move on, to let go, to dare to commit and love again without have any reservation nor fear, to let Joe see I'm indeed living so much better. Tried breaking the board, tried so damn hard but I couldn't. I wasn't focusing, my posture was wrong. My mind was a mess. In the end there were only six of us left who couldn't break the boards, out of hundred over. We got help, and as I was waiting for my turn, I feel a surge of anger. I'm angry at myself - why after so long I still can't get over that damn whole thing?! Am I really that weak? I've been trying to push myself harder, but why am I still square one? I cried so hard, I guess I needed to let it out.

Feel down and cranky after the session, even till now. One moment I can be laughing along with you and the next I can be sitting at my corner quietly working. Thoughts just keep running in my head. I should stop thinking for a while. I feel I'm being drowned. Hate matters of the heart.

I guess I'm now working so hard to numb myself, it's something which can take my mind away from all this pain. I know it's not exectly the right way, but at least I find satisfaction in it. Please don't take that away from me also. Please...


-ping'er-