Got to read these poems on Veron's blog, found them quite meaningful and true.. Sorry Veron, adapted without asking for copyright ya! Haha.. Good things are meant to be shared among friends right.. Heh.. Alright, here's how it goes..

Have you ever love someone

And knew he didn't care

Have you ever felt like crying

But knew you'd get nowhere

Have you seen him dancing

When all the lights were low

Have u ever whispered "God, i love him"

But wouldn't let him know

You wonder where he is tonight & if he's thinking of you

One moment you will b happy

The next you'll be blue

Love is fine but it hurts so much

The price you pay is high

So if you fall in love my friend..

You'll be hurt before you're through

Believe my friend, I ought to know

Because I have fallen in love with you...

Here's another one..

Do you love me or do you not?

You told me once but I forgot

So tell me now and tell me true

So that I can tell you that I love you

Of all the people that I've met

You're the only one I can't forget

And if I die before you do

I'll go to heaven and wait for you

If you're not there by judgement day

I'll know you went the other way

I'll give the angels back their wings

And risk the loss of everything

Just to prove my love is true

I'll go to hell to be with you.

So if you want to tell that special someone just how much he/she means to you, just let it all out! For you'll never know when you'll get that special moment again..

Don't keep it to yourself just 'cos you are too shy, or too proud to show. Trust me, when the person's gone, you might find yourself regretting it..

-Ping'er-

I'm glad I've been blessed with wonderful colleagues at work, who are always so willing to teach and guide me. No doubt our age gap is rather big - about 10 years - we have no problem communicating. (Although at times we do find it hard to share a common topic. Heh.) They treat me like their little sister, aka Xiao Mei. We even form up an unofficial "Tania Dept", with Tania as the head, Jaslene, Winnie and me as member. Haha..

During work we always chat and gossip over yahoo messenger, then at the end of the office suddenly you'll see one of them laughing in front of their computer, so funny! That's life at work ya..when they are not around, the whork project team dept grow so quiet, like what happened on Wednesday. Me at my little corner, with only Cris. We didn't talk, somehow all of us couldn't clique with her. Don't know why - perhaps she's isolating herself. We can't really understand her also, maybe due her Filipino accent in her English, but she really can go all the way and tell you old granny story! The worse thing is, at the end of the stories, you don't know what she asks of you.. Geez.. So we end up not bothering to talk to her.. Very bad hor? Heh.

Winnie told me the other day to expand my horizon - to go on trip to overseas with the management. Well she is suppose to be the one doing all the flying - to China mainly, as she use to handle projects there in the past with other companies - but she figure out she won't be staying that long. (She's planning to start up a small business and sell noodles, together with Tania I guess.. Sigh.. There goes two of Tania Dept members..) So she told me to recommend myself to Boss instead. In this industry (in every industry I'd say), the younger you are exposed the better. Gain all the experiences I can, when I still have the energy to chiong. It'll be a great life story. Who knows, I may see life in another perspective again? This thought has been in my head for quite a while. Should I step out of my little corner and venture out the the unfamiliar..? Perplexed.. Headache. Argh.


-Ping'er-

I threw tantrums again. My temper is getting for bad to worse. I became so insensitive of people's feelings, too overwhelmed with my own. I feel I'm being swallowed up inwards gradually. I've lost the ability to love..to care..to feel.. Except pain, anger, dissappointment, fear, hatred. I've fallen into the pit again. What's happening to me? Why is all this shit happening again. 'Cos I don't love myself? Show me to the light again..I think I've lost my way..


-Ping'er-

Went to my aunt's place for Christmas dinner gathering yesterday - only her family, cousins and a couple of friends. Somehow I felt different, couldn't really blend in. They are like in their circle chatting,and i'm sitting at the corner listening and laughing along with their jokes.. All of them with their other half.. So sour inside. I can't help but start to lament. Argh.

Maybe it's me, I lack self-confidence, always thinking of how others think of me. I should learnt o love myself more ya. Been hating myslef so much lately. All the love's gone.. I need encouragement, love and care. And I know I'm not a generator of those for myself. I get depress, who can see..?

Been motivating myself, been reminding myself. But I still miss him. Badly. It gets terrible whenever I've nothing to do, whenever I cant get to sleep. That night he messaged after so long..I was surprised yet delighted. How I wish he can ask me out, but that's wishful thinking I know. Won't happen.. Slowly making myself accept the fact ya. Numbing myself with work. I even tried to draw again..tried to read a book, play online games..blah. Just to make sure my mind is occupied and my thoughts don't run wild..

Silly me - please wake up silly dumbo girl.


-Ping'er-

What a great time to fall sick. I had a very bad gastric attack, again. But this time it's worse. Doctor says if it doesnt get better, she suspect it may be stomach ulcer. I'm getting better after the medication, still in pain though, so much so that I can't stand straight. Sigh.. I haven't even done my Christmas shopping! I guess my friends will be getting belated x'mas gifts, please undertand ok! Heh..

I hope this year will pass quickly, 'cos it hadn't been really a good year for me, though it had be the most happening one for me. I really hope that things will get better.. I've so much thoughts now..geez. Can't put them into words. I hope he still reads my blog every now and then - shows that he still bothers about me?

I sort of got to know the reason why it all died off between us. I couldn't accept it initially, cried hard. Hated the world. But I guess if he wanted his way, nothing could have stopped him. He chose to succumb I guess. Devastated of course, but that was the choice he made. What I'm even more upset was, he didn't even give me a good explanation. He left me to throw all my tantrums, letting my thoughts run wild. But nevertheless, it's all the past. I hope we still can be friends though.

No more sweet messages, no more I love you..so what? Life still has to go on. I just hope for the best for him. I know things haven't been as good as he wanted. But press on ya, don't give up. You'll get what you deserve eventually.


p/s: It's not about making the RIGHT decision, but about making the decision RIGHT.


-Ping'er-

Many times I wonder, I did thing out of love. What about him? Did I stand a place in his heart? Do I STILL stand a place in his heart? It pains me so much when he left me just like that..no sound no picture.. And I couldn't do anything to save it. I wanted to make the whole relationship better than the previous one. I thought I found one who could stand by me..but I guess he didn't find his one in me.. I wonder if I'm stil his baobei.. Has he become so ruthless and aggressive that he forgot how to love, how to feel, how to be a normal human.. I love him with all my heart, despite knowing I might be hurt eventually, 'cos he made a difference in my life.

I guess I was too much clouded by unjust and pain that made me said things that hurt him, that made him shun away from me, as he may feel I'm a source of negativities, I make him feel even more negative and down.

I once hear a saying - "The one who is seen protecting others, is the one who need protection the most. The one who shows love and care to others, is the one need care and love the most." I find it rather true and logical.. I love to love and I love to care..for my love ones especially. Deep inside I just wish that my love and care can be reciprocated.. Think about it.

Makes no sense ya? Every paragraph isn't linked to the previous one. Well, it's just my flow of thoughts. Thoughts deep inside, making me perplex..


-Ping'er-

Went Velvet last night. Was one of the boring moments I spent chionging.. Only 3 of us! All flew kite at the last minute. Argh! Well I guess chionging isn't the same anymore. Blgging too. The negative energy level is so high around here, and I'm the source. I figure that perhaps that's the reason why people are staying away from me. I'm simply shutting myself up and blabbering nonsense.

Woke up the wrong side of bed today, feeling so depressed. I guess I've been fooling myself all this while, trying to get to the comfort zone. He is keeping a distance from me now, especially when I go cranky. I suppose I've lost him, or maybe not. I don't think I have him even in the first place. Who am I to him anyway? So many times I just want to let it all end. Took a ride home on my friend's bike last night, I almost wanted to let myself fly off the bike and bish and bang and die like that. But that'll make him a careless rider. So called off the idea. Dumb right, I know. But he wouldn't know nor care. He's too tired and sick of handling me now.

I know I haven't been loving myself. Tried things to numb the pain. Been wondering, how come history is repeating itself? Is it that I really didn't learn from my previous experience? This totally sucks. Argh. I'm lamenting again, ain't I? Knock me out of this state ya. WAKE UP YOU DUMBO GIRL!!

Those reading this, would appreciate if you can tag in the text box on the page provided.. Thank you.


-Ping'er-

The year is ending, so quickly.. Time flies as you grow older. This hasn't been a good year for me I would say, yet the most experiencing. Learnt lots of things - how the working society and adult world operates. One has to be really independent and can't be too trusting. Has to be ruthless too. So sad. How I wish I don't have to grow up. All this pain is proving too much for me to handle.

Went Mambo at Zouk last wednesday. It was Ju's birthday. I didn't know it till on the eve, so didn't manage to get him a gift in time. Besides going to celebrate his birthday, I also wanted to take the chance to catch a glimpse of Richard. It's been almost a month we met, and we haven't been contact much also. Whenever I told him how I feel - that we are drifting apart - he would always reply he knew I'd feel this way, blah blah blah.. It's always the same replies. I was thinking, if he knew then why didn't he take any action? He didn't do anything to rectify. Just gave excuses and left me there. Am I really that worthless and unimportant? Where's all love the gone? If he's tired, can't keep up, then please tell me. If he truely loves me, he wouldn't let me suffer like this. All he said, are all lies.

I tried to put a strong front. I'm not jealous that he has girls around him, as long as the trust is there. I'm not a narrow-minded person. I know what industry he is in, I can even make friends with his friends. I can do lots of things for him, I've been through all these before. All I hope for is some attention, some special attention from him to reassure myself! But I got none. I feel I'm totally invisible to him. Everyone at least came up and chat with me. But where is he? He is always explaining himself, defending himself. I don't need explanations, all I ask for is action. Don't keep saying it but take no action. It's so so painful, every night I cry, everytime I blog I cry. Even as I work, my heart gets heavy. I don't want history to repeat itself. Give me back my smile, my hope, my strength to live on, which I tried painstakingly to get back.

Now I find it hard to blog even. My feelings and thoughts are too overwhelming that I can't put them into words. I feel I'm all alone, I can't express my feelings. I know I'll certainly have friends who will lend me their listening ears, but just like the past, I'm keeping things to myself again. That night after mambo, I cried hard, real hard. But does he know? I wonder. I guess I've been holding it up long enough. I'm tired, so tired. Tell me, what sin have I done to have to go through all these? Can someone please tell me?! Joe has been talking bad about me in front of people. Isn't he at fault too?! Why me? Why has it always got to be me?! How can those people live happily and I've to go through all this? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? FATE IS UNFAIR. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? THERE IS NO JUSTICE. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE HIM GET AWAY WITH WHAT THEY WANT AND I CAN'T?! THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOVE. IT'S ALL A SCAM TO HURT YOU EVEN FURTHER. I HATE LIFE.


-Ping'er-