Been watching the 9pm show on Channel 8 starring Zoe. I like Vincent Wong's role..Little Tortoise. Somehow it brought back memories..when I still was happily with Joe, when we haven't stepped into AM..when we were still normal and simple..doing things that a normal couple would do, going to places that a normal couple would go, saying things that a normal couple would say.. I miss those days..many times I wonder why things soured. Is this the way of Life? Have I taken him for granted? He was the one who made me feel so loved, so precious..made me learn to love myself and to love once more.. He was so conscious about my feelings, so anxious about me, so willing to change himself for the sake of me. Every little thing he does, it made me smile. Though there are times we had tiffs, he always gave in to me. Then he would surprise me with little gifts - hand-made ones - and by waiting for me at my place with a big sunflower or even pick me up from work.

But gradually, all these sweet little details were immortalised..became memories. So painful..still is. Who can take this pain away? Who can help me forget this pain? I'm not a happy person. How and where can I find my happiness, something which he gave me, but callously took away then after?? I still hate him, is it because I still feel for him? Hatred is also a feeling. Would I even bother so much if I didn't care? This agony..this irony..help me..


-Ping'er-

I miss him. Wonder if he feels the same way too. Every single I'm anticipating for his call, sms.. But none came. We're contacting each other lesser and lesser nowadays. It really saddens me that things are turning out this way. It seems like everything just died down.. Maybe I've been expecting too much. Or perhaps he's got tired of this whole thing. He's not at a losing end anyway. He still has someone to be there for him. What about me? I'm heart-broken, disheartened..

My temper is getting from bad to worse. Get so easily irritated, no patience. I wonder what went wrong. Is there something wrong with me? Have I not changed? Am I still the way I used to be? Lost my self-esteem. I'm not happy deep down. It seems I can't generate happiness from within anymore. Keep searching..don't even know what I'm searching for. So lost.. Help me..


-Ping'er-

In great dilemma. Feel like giving up. I feel I can't talk to him as freely as before. The trust is running thin.. The feeling is like that of when I was with Joe. Always just giving the benefit of the doubt. I'm a human afterall. I need to let things out. Who can help me? I'm always lending a listening ear to others, but who is willing to lend theirs to me? I feel I'm like an over-stuffed pot, overflowing soon. Help..

I guess I haven't really gotten over Joe, he still gives me the chill whenever he messages me. Argh! Having lots of thoughts, but can't pen them down.

Well, I just wish someone out there can give me attention, dote on me. But whenever I have that, I shun it. Why am I doing this? It's an instinct I guess. Afraid I'll take for granted and keep asking for more. I'm back to my old self again afterall. I'll never change. Life is simply dreadful. Hate it.


-ping'er-