Yeah yeah, I'm on night shift again. Feel so sleepy! Keep dozing off. *gee* Tomorrow will be Chinese New Year eve, I'll be going for reunion dinner at my uncle's place, as usual. But this year is a bit different - I'll be having activity after the dinner! Zhimin's group will be going to the Chun Dao He Pan at Marina! I've heard of it but never been there. Tomorrow will be my first time! So excited! *hee*
For this year's Chinese New Year, I spent a bomb on my clothes. About $150 for myself. That's the time I spent so much in my life till now. But I love the clothes I bought. Its a totally different sense of fashion I used to have. Now my wardrobe is exploding! *haha* There's also one good thing about this year. That is I can share my wardrobe with my sister! Meaning to say that I'll have MORE clothes to wear! *hee*
We went shopping last weekend at Orchard. That was the first time we went shopping together. Finally I've a shopping partner! Tho' I'm not an avid shopaholic. At the end of the 7hr shopping spree, both of us were dead beat. My legs would give way anytime then! Not forgetting that we took a photo card together! It was very nice! Now it's in my wallet. ^_^
Well I can tell that my cute little sister is slowly growing up (ie. I'm getting old. *argh*). We had the same frequency and we chatted non-stop! Anything under the sun can be our topic. Apparently its either she's precotious or I'm too kiddish, making us click so well. We are 7yrs difference in age! Amazing, yeah? We'd looked like twins if we were to dress identically. *haha* We are of the same height, about the same size. Really glad to have a sister like her.

-ping'er-

I'm working now, night shift. I'm so so sleepy! Dozed off a few times. Well I slept for only about 8 hours, so energy is running low. *hee* Last night just as I was preparing to turn in, he called. It was about 3+am. Then he asked to come over to my place and stay. I agreed. I waited for him. I guess I was tired of waiting and dozed off. He gave me 5 missed calls! He was already outside my door. *haha* Well apparently he simply concussed upon reaching my mattress. Nowadays he has a tendency to snore! He didn't snore in the past. I read snoring can indicate that one has illness and isn't healthy. Is his body weakening or is he just plain tired? I hope it's the latter.
This morning when I got up, he was still sleeping like Mr Piggy. He said he hadn't slept for 2 nights! How terrible can he get? He got a lecture from me eventually. He almost slept through the whole afternoon. I waited for him for nearly 2 hours! I was so fed up of waking him up that I went off myself. Eventually we met up at Northpoint. We went shopping for my sticker album. I got a NEMO sticker album, which came with some NEMO stickers. I brought some cute powerpuff girls stickers, which I simply couldn't resist, a few nights ago while shopping with my mum at the Fairprice. I stuck one BUBBLES in pyjamus, hugging a octopus doll, behind my handphone case. *cute cute* He stuck the OCTOPUS DOLL behind his too. *hee* Anyway, we ate at Yoshinoya after that. Then we went around the central to look for a hair salon to get his hair cut. There were so many salons that we couldn't make up our minds which to go! We held hands, and the feeling was great. Although we were not doing anything constructive, I was still feeling blithed. Can't explain the feelings in words. ^_^
He met up with Jerhyn after his haircut, while I went to get my food to bring to work. Then I went to say hi to Jerhyn, sat with them at Delifrance for a while and went for work.
I've a feeling that we are getting back into the relationship again slowly. I feel this relationship has matured, and gone to another stage. There wasn't as much strain felt as before. It felt wonderful.
Perhaps we have to really go through some 'hardship' or 'trauma' before we can really appreciate each other. I'm learning to appreciate him and giving in to him, not throwing tantrums unnecessarily and also understand him and his career needs. And he, I can sense that he appreciates me too. He tells me he loves me every now and then, and the smile is back on the face again whenever he sees me. It feels wonderful. Very wonderful. I hope this will last FOREVER.

-ping'er-

It's me again. I'm working night shift tomorrow so I can afford to turn in later tonight. Well I went to read his blog again. It hasn't been updated since last March. Memories flashed through my mind as I was reading it. Wonderful and painful ones.
According to the current situation now, we are back together. Again. I wonder if he'll stick to his decision this time. I guess if he doesn't I'll be able to cope with the situation better than before. It happened not once, but twice. Or thrice? I can't recall. Everytime he regrets his choice, he'll make me go to KAWAII and cry my heart out. Hate him yet love him. Feels horrible.
But somehow, I've a feeling that this time he might just be sticking to his choice for good. (I really HOPE it is so!) He treats me rather differently compared to the previous times. When we go out, he reaches for my hand, holds my hand or brings me close to him as we walked down the streets. He talks and shares with me about what happens to him more willingly and eagerly too. He hasn't done that for a LONG time, ever since he become busy with work. He is behaving like the old times - caring, sensitve my feeling, teased me, SYMPATHIZING, etc. The wonderful feelings are returning.
But I'm trying to protect myself now, trying not to give my all at once. 'Cos if anything happens, I know I'll be terribly hurt again. Once bitten, twice shy. I just want to be careful and tread slowly. I like the current situation I'm in now. I don't expect much and we have a life of our own. I hang out more with my friends, and also am making more friends. I don't want him to be the centre of my life. It shouldn't be the case anyway. I'll in turn be restricting him from having his own space. In the past, he was the centre of my life. I neglected my friends. In my life, there was him and only him. Maybe that was why he felt suffocating and sick of the whole relationship.
Now, I'm also trying to gain back the trust I used to have in him. That everytime when he's with a girl, I know they are only friends. Nothing more. That I can just easily chat along with his gal friends and not have any defensiveness nor jealousy. I'm really working hard on this point. I WANT TO TRUST HIM ALL OVER AGAIN. 'Cos I know my love for him is beyond what words can describe. So much so that even if we are not a couple anymore, I'll still care for him. (But of cos it'll be the best we stay mushily in love! *hee*) I hope he feels the same for me too. "Please tell me you feel the same way for me too!"

-ping'er-

I'm now working, morning shift! Busy! Now taking a breather after my break. There was a long queue waiting to be registered when I return from my break just now. Now it quieter, thus I'm able to write my blog.
I had a wierd dream yesterday morning. Again. (Don't ask me why my brain is so so ACTIVE when I'm asleep!) I dreamt I was with Cordelia, SDM Ryan Soon's wife. (I was with Joe the previous night, and he was building bond with her. Perhaps that's why she's in my dreams. *hee*) She's in her 7th month of labour now (it's a girl!). In the dreams she was having an argument with a man (not Ryan, thank god!) and she was so mad that she gave the man a flying kick! It's so funny when I recall the scene. I wonder how she did that stunt. *haha* Unfortunately, she didn't make a firm stand, and landed on her butt. *ouch* Then she started bleeding and we got worried. The man simply walked off and Cordelia and I went to KKH asap. I told her where to head towards to - the Delivery Suite at Level 2 of the building - 'cos I work at the KKH's W24HW. But the wierd thing is, when we reach Level 2, I can't seem to find the place! I went around asking and Cordelia followed me in agony. I was beginning to get panicky and frustrated. Suddenly Level 2 became so big, like a maze and I'm the rat inside. Nobody seemed to know where the DS is. *argh* Finally Cordelia managed to ask someone and we finally go to the DS. Upon reaching there, the place is yet another maze! With flights of stairs everywhere and nurses scrambling around. I was almost going to break down, 'cos I couldn't understand what the sign boards meant even! THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF. Time for work.

-ping'er-

*sigh* I'm slugging at home on my off day. Not the right thing to do! If only someone could ask me out, I'm too lazy and sick of asking people out. Phobic in fact. Actually I was hoping ANOTHER would ask me out one day, it's always me who took the initiative. For a meal or movie.. But i guess he's very busy. So busy that he hardly has time to sleep! I often wonder how people like him can TAHAN with just a few hours of sleep. Well I tried that before, but really couldn't take it after a month. My brain wouldn't operate properly! I was no better than a walking zombie. *haha*
Anyway I've come to figure out that perhaps ANOTHER (I think I'll call him KAWAII instead, ANOTHER sound so crude! *gee*) just treats me like a very close gal friend, who can chat rather well with him. For some reasons, I'm fond of him, but I don't really want to POSSESS him. (Although I do get an itsy bitsy jealous when other girls talk to him.. *oops* wrong attitude! Must change!) I enjoy talking to him, lightens my mood everytime. Perhaps it's his undoubtfully sincere smile. Always never fails to make me smile too! Well, what I hope for him now is that he's happy in what he's doing and who he's with. If he's happy, I'm happy. He'll always be my best buddy who'll always lend me his listening ear. One thing's for sure, if ever one day he needs me, I'll definitely be there for him. 'Cos he was once there for me when I was feeling the worst. He gave me hope. Thank you KAWAII, for everything.

-ping'er-

I had a wierd dream this morning, during my wink at break time. I dreamt that a guy friend of mine (I call him the GENTLE GIANT *hee*) came and fetch me after my work for dinner. We walked to his car. It was drizzling. The sky was dark and gloomy. We shared a small umbrella, and he stretched his big left arm, wrapped around me and drew me closer to him. It felt warm and cosy, I didn't push him away even though the feeling wasn't right. I like the feeling of being cuddled. I feel so protected. Then his left hand tried to reach for mine (my arms were folded), but I avoided. We finally reached his car and I went in. THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF. *sigh*
What does all this mean? I heard dreams often indicate signs of how we feel and think innerly. How true, I don't know. Anyway in reality, this gentle giant of mine doesn't own a car, even though I know he'd love to (who wouldn't?). He has what most girls wish for in a guy - gentlemanly, caring, sensitive, will to lend a listening ear, etc. He does show some interest in me (or is he just looking for a gf? I don't know), but he's not really the type I'll be attracted to. I would have fallen for him if not for his shyness, lack of enthusiasm and BIG dreams in life. I like guys with big dreams, who want to create a great world of their own, and share it with their loved ones. But I figure out that to have big dreams, they would have to forgo the soft side of themselves, which HURT people around them. DEEPLY.
I feel so troubled. 'Cos when I've problems, I won't want to turn to him. I'll tell ANOTHER instead. I'm falling for ANOTHER, someone who has big dreams too, and still able to show care and concern about my life (as a friend or even more? I don't know, he didn't make it clear). I didn't need him as much anymore. My life wasn't revolving around him anymore. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. In the past, I would tell him my thoughts and feelings, and he would sympathize with me, making me feel so much better. That I know I've someone to share my load with, and I'm always willing to share his and be there for him. But that was then. He's too busy for me now. We can go without contact at all for days. I don't know if it's that he feels I'm INDEPENDENT enough or he didn't care at all. Maybe he found someone else.
I learn to adapt and accept his change. I conformed to him, in hope that he'll shower me with attention and TLC, even for that little bit. That's what I'll do, 'cos I really loved him. He kept trying to change me, to a TOTALLY different person. Till I couldn't even recognise myself. My friends shunned me, my family didn't even feel like talking to me. It felt horrible. I was emotionally drained. EMPTY. I lost naiveness, my smile, MYSELF.
I guess I couldn't meet up with his expectations, nor keep up with his constant changes. He left me. My whole world collapsed. The details, I'll reveil another time, 'cos that's another great chapter in my life, yet. I shall stop here now.

-ping'er-

I've heard of blogger a long time ago, last year in January to be exact. Joe told me about it, 'cos he had one and I had a view of it. It seems rather interesting - an online diary, and you can choose to make it publicly read or keep it private - but it didn't get me to create one then. Perhaps I was just to rigid to change. Ever so slow to change (sometimes NEVER), ever so behind the trend.
But I didn't know what came over me, to make me want to create one for myself. I was working night shift last night, and was accessing to the computer at my counter. I was browsing through my friend's blogs. I guess she triggered me to have a blog of my own. To me, she's the kind who seems so arrogant and spoilt, didn't think she ever cares about what others think, nor did I ever think she has FEELINGS. But her blog, I got to understand her abit more, that she too is like any normal girl. Perhaps I didn't understand her enough. I didn't try to. Well I've always had this problem that I'm still painstakingly trying to change. I tend to judge others even before knowing them, by how they LOOK. Terrible eh? I know. But aren't many others like me too? *sigh*
Anyway, I hope I can put what I think and feel into words, 'cos keeping them within myself really doesn't feel good. I was almost destroyed. I realise I have to let it all out no matter what. But sometimes I just can't seem to find the right person to confide in. So I hope I can air it all out here instead. That would be a great determination (*haha*), 'cos I'vealways been a very LAZY and UNDETERMINED person. I've always been this way (told you I'm too stubborn to change). BUT I shall challenge myself this time! (Btw, I dislike challenges) Hopefully this blog will go on and on and on and on....

-ping'er-