I haven't been contacting S for more than a week, till today. I was so worried, fearing that something bad might had happened to him, since he goes sailing often. But thank God he is fine. Apparently he got drunk and lost his handphone.

Now he is using a hp6515 pocket PC so he can log on to the internet. 'Cos I only had his mobile number, and there was no way we could contact except via the internet.

We hardly get in contact, as he is always busy at work or out sailing. Somehow I think this is Karma? What goes around, comes around. I didn't care much about YT in the past, so now S doesn't really bother much about me.

Candy came over to my house for CNY visiting last week and we chatted for a while. Told her what had been going on in my life - catching up. Told her about S, almost all that I know about S - which is not much I guess. She said Joe really left me a traumatic impact, that till now I still have yet to let go of the past. Maybe she is right, I am treading in fear when it comes to matters of the heart. So much so that I would like to try to get involved in a relationship, my fear always kept me back.

It's so hard to catch what S is thinking. He has a mind of his own and I'm trying my best to adapt. Then again, it takes two hands to clap. Is he clapping? I've no idea. I'm not asking alot, I can't also bah. I'll take every of his contact with me a bonus. I'm not being being pessimistic, but I just don't want anymore disappointment.

I can't change the way people treat me, but I can control the way I treat others.


-Ping'er-

I'm currently reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris, finishing soon. As I read on, I get more and more disgusted and upset with my behaviour, my thoughts - with myself. I so much agree with what the author is conveying to his readers - about how a relationship should be, but yet I find myself behaving unacceptably when engaging with people around me.
In the book, the authors tells us that we should love everyone unconditionally, treat everyone like brothers and sisters. But I am expecting alot from the relationships I have with almost everyone. I became result-orientated, and I get upset when things don't happen the way I want them to.

I figure it may be due to my sense of uncertainty and the need for assurance. My past has made me feel that I'll never be good for anyone. Probably that's why I seem like I'm always trying to please people. Probably there is an empty patch left inside me that can't seem to be filled up, no matter how hard I try.

I heard from someone that we should let our past be a learning process and not a burden. I keep telling others and myself that my past is indeed a learning process, but it is still a burden, which made me who I am now.

I wonder, if I were to get into a relationship with someone, and things don't work out between us, can we still be friends. Naturally, the answer is yes. But can we guarantee that for sure? Honestly I can't. 'Cos if the guy were to ask me such a question, it means he isn't able or not prepared to commit to the relationship, so might as well be friends. Less stressful this way I guess.

I always think there is something wrong with me. I think I "follow my heart" too much, instead of looking at situations rationally.

Probably that's why God kept giving me the same challenge. Got to work it out myself and take things more easily.


-Ping'er-