Been to the war and back! Just finished the major project, and I'm half-dead. It made me grow, that NAC isn't a big project after all. UPW is even bigger! But at the end of it, there was a sense of satisfaction and fulfilment. I went through the process, and enjoyed it. Though of cos there were politics, oh well, it's inevitable I guess. All's over and well now. Time to move on, to closed this project and head on the the next one - Robert Kiyosaki! It'll be two months later, and I'll be half dead again. *haha* I'm rubbishing again, don't know what I'm typing..

Today, back to office to work as usual, but somehow I don't have the mood! Feel so snailly, so sluggish. Guess it must be the residue from the event. My dad was asking even why I'm working today. He told me to take MC to rest at home. *haha* Cute dad.

And so I reached office, I checked my emails, visited Friendster and started to write this blog. Not 'cos I haven't wrote for a while, but had feelings to pour out. I can say I felt lonely deep inside, though I'm putting a strong fron all the time, no matter what.

Went to look at my friends' pages at Friendster. Some updated the profiles, some changed their pictures. Went to take a look at Joe's. Guess he must be real blissed with his life now. Somehow, I wasn't as upset anymore. Hopefully he's getting out of my life. Went to look at Panda's page - not much of a change nor update. So I curiously went to take a look at W's page. Her pictures - she is pretty in her way. Sweet I would say. Whenever I see her, I think of what's between me and him. I feel we've gone to deep, and too wrong. Many times I question myself. The sense of guilt, that's how I feel. Feel like a bitch really. Happy, yes, that's how I feel. But I can't live life day by day. I know I'm at the losing end. What's all this? A test for me? I followed my heart, is this what I get in return?

He's fighting for his car now, and much focus is really needed. I know what I can help is to be supportive and be there for him. But whenever I feel down and lonely, I think of him, me and W. Fear and uncertainty comes in. Will I be alone again in the end? Will I be left broken-hearted? All these really make me want to leave him. 'Cos I know time will make us forget. And when we think back, we will remember only the happy moments. Life will still go on. And maybe then, he'll start to cherish and love W once again, like how it used to be. Or has it always been like that, and I'm just a passing phase in his life who made a little difference to him? I don't know. So many questions unanswered.

I just want to protect myself. I don't to be left alone anymore. I know chances should be seized and cherished. I guess I should learn to trust when it comes to matters of the heart. But I just feel unfair. Why must I go through all this crap? Well, I asked for it. I followed my heart, knowing it's not right. So I shall bear the consequences. Sometimes, I really hate him. What he's doing is unfair to me. Though he dotes on me more, so what? No faith, that's what I feel, 'cos we have no future to look forward to. Feeling low, that's how I feel, 'cos I know I may end up alone again. Feeling guilt, that's how I feel, 'cos I know I'm doing W wrong.

Well I would be selfish, wouldn't I? To think only for myself, whether I'll be at the losing end or if I'll be hurt. If I leave now, I know it'll definitely affect him greatly. Or will it not? I don't know.. Must never let him lose focus. This is dragging on for a while.. *sigh*

Will it turn out right? The way I wish for? Trust and faith..slowly fading.. Does he really understand how I feel? I really don't know. Where has my belief gone to? Help..


-Ping'er-