Am I a negeative person? I often ask myself this question. I feel I am. People around me are often impressed by me. Of 'cos not for my negativity, but suprisingly it's for the opposite. Well I guess I'm putting up a strong front - staying jovial and positive. Physiology affects my emotions, and in turn affects my spirit and behaviour. Thus I always laugh things away. And I feel better, but that does not mean I'm not thinking about them.

Lately, many unhappy things happened. Work and my life. My burden got heavier. I realise I'm not as strong nor positive as I used to. I wonder what has happened. I guess I've to be on my own to be positive again, 'cos I've to depend on myself, and I've no one to fall back on. Thus I made myself very very strong spiritually. So does this mean I've to be on my own to feel positive and optimistic? I wonder.

In front of him, I'm always pulling a long face, always throwing tantrums, always saying things so negative. End up making us both upset and hurt. Where have all the teachings and auto-suggestion gone to? I wonder.

I always blame myself. Always so childish, so immature. Hate that side of me totally. Apart from him, the people who see this side of me are my parents. Perhaps when I'm with him, I put my guard down..and show my true self. Would that be true? I wonder.

I blame myself. Always blaming myself. For creating so much trouble. Should I end it all? For his sake mainly, it's totally unfair for him. Perhaps if I do so, he might be happier, and I might so back to my old self again..

I know I've always have a problem expressing myself. Still is. I feel it's really not right to complain and lament. In my mind there's always a battle going on - my positive and negative side. I want to say it out, but I don't know how to put it into words. The feeling is horrible. So I end up keeping it to myself, making myself irrational, irritable. And I'll mess up my life saying and doing stupid things. And REGRET. Argh.

A great test from GOD. Will I ever pass it? I've been trying and trying for so long.. What will ever make me learnt? The hard way? How hard then? Someone tell me please. I'm always self-destructing myself.

My FEAR. My UNCERTAINTY. My LOW SELF-ESTEEM. My LACK of CONFIDENCE. I'm killed by them. I'm dead.

Revive me.


-Ping'er-