I had a wierd dream this morning, during my wink at break time. I dreamt that a guy friend of mine (I call him the GENTLE GIANT *hee*) came and fetch me after my work for dinner. We walked to his car. It was drizzling. The sky was dark and gloomy. We shared a small umbrella, and he stretched his big left arm, wrapped around me and drew me closer to him. It felt warm and cosy, I didn't push him away even though the feeling wasn't right. I like the feeling of being cuddled. I feel so protected. Then his left hand tried to reach for mine (my arms were folded), but I avoided. We finally reached his car and I went in. THEN MY ALARM WENT OFF. *sigh*
What does all this mean? I heard dreams often indicate signs of how we feel and think innerly. How true, I don't know. Anyway in reality, this gentle giant of mine doesn't own a car, even though I know he'd love to (who wouldn't?). He has what most girls wish for in a guy - gentlemanly, caring, sensitive, will to lend a listening ear, etc. He does show some interest in me (or is he just looking for a gf? I don't know), but he's not really the type I'll be attracted to. I would have fallen for him if not for his shyness, lack of enthusiasm and BIG dreams in life. I like guys with big dreams, who want to create a great world of their own, and share it with their loved ones. But I figure out that to have big dreams, they would have to forgo the soft side of themselves, which HURT people around them. DEEPLY.
I feel so troubled. 'Cos when I've problems, I won't want to turn to him. I'll tell ANOTHER instead. I'm falling for ANOTHER, someone who has big dreams too, and still able to show care and concern about my life (as a friend or even more? I don't know, he didn't make it clear). I didn't need him as much anymore. My life wasn't revolving around him anymore. I don't know if that is a good or bad thing. In the past, I would tell him my thoughts and feelings, and he would sympathize with me, making me feel so much better. That I know I've someone to share my load with, and I'm always willing to share his and be there for him. But that was then. He's too busy for me now. We can go without contact at all for days. I don't know if it's that he feels I'm INDEPENDENT enough or he didn't care at all. Maybe he found someone else.
I learn to adapt and accept his change. I conformed to him, in hope that he'll shower me with attention and TLC, even for that little bit. That's what I'll do, 'cos I really loved him. He kept trying to change me, to a TOTALLY different person. Till I couldn't even recognise myself. My friends shunned me, my family didn't even feel like talking to me. It felt horrible. I was emotionally drained. EMPTY. I lost naiveness, my smile, MYSELF.
I guess I couldn't meet up with his expectations, nor keep up with his constant changes. He left me. My whole world collapsed. The details, I'll reveil another time, 'cos that's another great chapter in my life, yet. I shall stop here now.

-ping'er-