I wonder why I had no feelings when he did that last night. No sadness, no happiness, no anxiety, blah.. I couldn't explain it. Is it 'cos I'm already numbed? It does feel sick that all this shit is actually happening to me again. Well I asked for it, didn't I? No point saying "I should have done this, I shouldn't have done that".. What's done is done, and I guess it happened for a reason? Hopefully..

I'm still figuring out how to handle the situation. Learning how to say no. I guess the whole problem with me is that I can get so agreeable with things that may have triggered it off. I'm really very upset with myself - my behaviour. I hated myself even at times. I need to change. Argh, hate it when I feel this way.

Well we had a talk last night. Somehow I kinda expected what he would say. The typical things - 'I'm sorry..it shouldn't have happened..I hope it won't jeopardize our friendship..blah..' Maybe that was why I had nothing to say. At that point in time, my feeling was like I-can't-be-bothered. What has happened to me? Damn..I really wish I can be upset and blame him, blame the whole world about.. But I couldn't, I just couldn't make myself do it..

But I do ask why this is happening to me. What wrong have I done to deserve it? Feeling disappointed.. F**k, I'm writing nonsense. How to write a blog with I can't even get my feelings right.


-Ping'er-