Night shift today. Having very complex feelings now. I wonder why I just have to mess things up. I just have to resent and not be contented with my life. WHY? I really hate myself! Joe is changing, very very slowly, to suit me. Why is it that I have to expect much much more everytime? Why can't I be thankful and appreciate what I already have?
I'm so easily affected negatively. One negative opinion from others and I'll start doubting him. Why can't I just be firm and stand on his side? A few days ago he popped the question. He asked me to go ROM together on my birthday (my 21st birthday). I was surprised, thought he was only joking. I didn't want. Perhaps I wasn't sure of myself, of the relationship yet. How dumb of me! I should have thought, guys don't say such stuff as and when they like! This is a major decision! Now I blew everything up. I don't even know what relationship we are having now. Friends or couple? So questionable.. Me and my stupid weak mind! Feel like killing myself! Love him yet want to ditch him. I'm so ironic! Hate myself! Somebody help me! I really want him back..can anyone help me? Don't want to end this whole thing due to my childish acts..