Well I guess I'm a utter stubborn girl who doesn't believe that the truth is out. Kept making myself believe there's hope between us. It over. So so over. I'm already the past. It pains me so much. But truth always hurts. I'm just stupid enough to keep hanging on to it. It always so much luckier to be loved than to love. But many prefer to love, 'cos that's what they want. Or it that not?

Went out with my friend, sis and her bf on V-day. He got me a watch. $129. So expensive! I shouldn't have let him get it for me. What does this mean? I wonder. I mean, friends go out at most give a treat with a small gift normally. But such an expensive watch? He's not a money printer eh! He insisted in getting it for me, so I obliged. Did I do the right thing? I wonder.
He's really a nice guy. My whole family likes him. They are all asking why not consider him. To me, he's a wonderful guy. He was always there for me when I was at my worst moments of my life. Always trying to cheer me up, make me feel better. I did thought of considering him. But I guess he's too good for me. Especially at this point of time, the more I can't. I don't know what I really want. I'm afraid I'll treat him like a substitute. Or is it that I'm just too afraid? Keep saying we've no sparks. I just don't want to have any. Too afraid of the outcome, whether good or bad. Perhaps I'm just too gutless to go through all this all over again. FEAR. That's the thing that's been haunting me all my life. I guess it'll be till the day I lay in that box. Somebody please give me some courage to stand up and walk again.
Zhihong, Maeve and Candy others kept telling me someone will surely cherish me better. My cousins and aunts told me if I don't let go, that someone will never appear, nor have the chance to. My family told me Joe's not suitable for me. So many have said it. Yet I choose not to listen. I know it's all the truth. But I'm too afraid to believe. I'm afraid to do anyone wrong - to do him wrong.
Perhaps I'm didn't dare to give myself another chance. All that trauma almost killed me. Or was it I didn't even want to give him a chance to prove himself worthy? Hadn't he proved enough?
In the past whenever he asked me out I'll gladly agree. We are great friends, so we go out. But now something made me hesitate. I'm afraid of the matters of the heart. I just refuse to let things happen! Even if it's a good one. Sometimes I simply hate myself for being so wishy washy. Argh. Just too afraid things get complicated and may turn out ugly. But what if it turns out well? I'm perplexed...