The year is ending, so quickly.. Time flies as you grow older. This hasn't been a good year for me I would say, yet the most experiencing. Learnt lots of things - how the working society and adult world operates. One has to be really independent and can't be too trusting. Has to be ruthless too. So sad. How I wish I don't have to grow up. All this pain is proving too much for me to handle.

Went Mambo at Zouk last wednesday. It was Ju's birthday. I didn't know it till on the eve, so didn't manage to get him a gift in time. Besides going to celebrate his birthday, I also wanted to take the chance to catch a glimpse of Richard. It's been almost a month we met, and we haven't been contact much also. Whenever I told him how I feel - that we are drifting apart - he would always reply he knew I'd feel this way, blah blah blah.. It's always the same replies. I was thinking, if he knew then why didn't he take any action? He didn't do anything to rectify. Just gave excuses and left me there. Am I really that worthless and unimportant? Where's all love the gone? If he's tired, can't keep up, then please tell me. If he truely loves me, he wouldn't let me suffer like this. All he said, are all lies.

I tried to put a strong front. I'm not jealous that he has girls around him, as long as the trust is there. I'm not a narrow-minded person. I know what industry he is in, I can even make friends with his friends. I can do lots of things for him, I've been through all these before. All I hope for is some attention, some special attention from him to reassure myself! But I got none. I feel I'm totally invisible to him. Everyone at least came up and chat with me. But where is he? He is always explaining himself, defending himself. I don't need explanations, all I ask for is action. Don't keep saying it but take no action. It's so so painful, every night I cry, everytime I blog I cry. Even as I work, my heart gets heavy. I don't want history to repeat itself. Give me back my smile, my hope, my strength to live on, which I tried painstakingly to get back.

Now I find it hard to blog even. My feelings and thoughts are too overwhelming that I can't put them into words. I feel I'm all alone, I can't express my feelings. I know I'll certainly have friends who will lend me their listening ears, but just like the past, I'm keeping things to myself again. That night after mambo, I cried hard, real hard. But does he know? I wonder. I guess I've been holding it up long enough. I'm tired, so tired. Tell me, what sin have I done to have to go through all these? Can someone please tell me?! Joe has been talking bad about me in front of people. Isn't he at fault too?! Why me? Why has it always got to be me?! How can those people live happily and I've to go through all this? WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG? FATE IS UNFAIR. WHERE IS THE JUSTICE? THERE IS NO JUSTICE. WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE HIM GET AWAY WITH WHAT THEY WANT AND I CAN'T?! THIS IS TOTALLY WRONG.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS LOVE. IT'S ALL A SCAM TO HURT YOU EVEN FURTHER. I HATE LIFE.


-Ping'er-